


The Moon, The Stars, And Everything In Between

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, FTM Sirius Black, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, Marauders, Marauders era, Moonstar - Freeform, Not Canon Compliant, Trans Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 20:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5678776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black is an FTM transgender, who also happens to be gay, particularly for Remus Lupin, who, fortunately, is very gay back.</p>
<p>James Potter is full of himself, just a tad arrogant, and massively crushing on Lily Evans, who is crushing right back.</p>
<p>Peter Pettigrew is the unwanted third party for James and Lily, who fancies them both and is picked on by the whole group because of it. </p>
<p>And then, there's Severus Snape: the outsider, hated by four, loved by one, loves no one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Snape's Only Friend Calls Him A Little Bitch

Sirius Black woke to the gentle pressure of an arm draped over his waist and warm flesh against his bare back, and to the sound of Remus Lupin attempting to hold in a sneeze, or at least make it quiet, but it turning out as the cutest little noise Sirius had ever heard. His eyes remained shut, but he smiled, wiggling backwards slightly into Remus's chest.

The hand that was attached to the arm draped over Sirius's waist and stomach stopped fiddling with his belly button, moving up to stroke his hair.

"You awake?" Remus murmured against the back of Sirius's neck, nuzzling it gently with his nose.

"Mmm." Sirius wriggled around in Remus's arms, turning to face him, leaving only a few centimetres between their noses, and hooked a leg over Remus's knees loosely. "I don't want to go back, though."

Remus frowned. Every other year, Sirius had been so excited to see everyone at the start of the school year. "How come?" He kissed Sirius's nose reassuringly, hoping it would cheer him up.

Sirius smiled bashfully before replying. "What if they- they might not-" Sirius sighed in frustration at his inability to form words. "They might not... approve."

Remus buried his face in Sirius's neck to hide his smile. He knew that James, Lily and Peter weren't homophobic- in fact, he had his suspicions about both Lily and Peter- but it was endearing how much Sirius cared about his friends' opinions. "It'll be fine, baby boy." Remus's voice was always somewhat gravelly first thing in the morning, and Sirius groaned slightly at the combination of his lips moving against his neck, his breath brushing his skin, and the low, slightly muffled tone of his voice.

He slipped his arm underneath Remus's, hugging Remus's back and pulling them closer to each other. Sirius also knew he was being silly: his friends were completely supportive of him when his parents kicked him out because he started binding his breasts and changed his name from Serena to Sirius. He had even lived with James and his family over the summer after Fourth Year when he came out. He knew that his friends wouldn't love him any less. He just didn't want to take any chances.

"Can we just... Wait? Not long, but maybe, I don't know, until we're all settled in again... Maybe until half term?"

Remus nodded, his hair tickling Sirius's neck, causing a giggle to slip through the slightly older boy's lips. "Whatever makes you comfortable. I love you."

Sirius bit his lip, blushing. He didn't think he'd ever get used to the butterflies he felt at those words. "I love you too, Moony."

Remus kissed Sirius's neck just once before sitting up, stretching his arms upwards and clicking his back slightly. Sirius just watched appreciatively as the muscles in Remus's back flexed gently and his shoulders tensed. "What time are we leaving?"

"My mum said she'd drive us to the station at nine, so we have an hour or so. Dad's working, though, probably already left." Remus stood as he spoke, swinging his legs out from the duvet and shuffling to the side of the double bed. Sirius refused to sleep in the middle, claiming that if he didn't face straight into a wall (or curtain, considering the layout of the dormitories), he couldn't sleep, so they always ended up using such a small amount of space that they might as well be in a single bed.

The second Remus was out of the bed, Sirius grabbed handfuls of the duvet, burrito-ing in a foetal position, watching Remus as he stood at his wardrobe, pulling out clothes from his half to wear for the day. He paid special attention as Remus bent over to take a fresh pair of underwear from his drawers. Sirius loved it when Remus wore tight-fitting underwear, and that was something he would never deny while Remus was bending over.

Remus looked over to Sirius, seeing the position he was in and sighing. "You're going to need to get up soon. No point going back to sleep now." Sirius groaned, it was too early for consciousness, let alone movement.

"I'll only get up if..." He paused for effect, tapping his chin as if he had to think about what he wanted. "If you kiss me first."

Remus smiled at him, used to his little games. "Hmm... Here?" He asked, bending over Sirius and kissing his cheek.

"Nope, not quite."

"Here?" He kissed Sirius's nose, before bopping it with his finger. Sirius shook his head, frowning slightly. "What about..." He kissed all over Sirius's neck and right collarbone, eliciting a little moan, along with another head shake. Remus smiled at Sirius biting his lip: clearly his actions had a larger effect than he anticipated.

Remus chuckled before kissing Sirius's lips chastely. He moved away as fast as he could, but not before Sirius had entangled his fingers in Remus's hair and pulled him back down. Remus fell slightly at the force that Sirius used, ending up straddling the shaggy-haired boy on the bed. He gave in, running his fingers down Sirius's side as they kissed.

"Enough." Remus pulled away. "We really need to get going, and this isn't going to help."

Sirius sighed, before sitting up, pushing Remus up with him, who swung his leg back over and off the bed. "Fine."

He stood while on the bed, walking across the springy mattress and jumping off the bed. "Can you pass me some boxers? Please?"

Remus crouched, opening Sirius's underwear drawer. He frowned, turning his head back to Sirius, "You packed all your underwear, silly." He took a deep breath, before closing Sirius's drawer and opening his own, throwing a pair of his own underwear to Sirius, who caught it with a grin. "That was the plan, wasn't it?"

Sirius bit his lip, smiling cheekily before turning to face away from Remus and pulling down the boxers he'd word to bed. He stepped out of them, pulling up the new pair and turning back around to Remus, who was in the middle of pulling up his own boxers. He, however, hadn't turned around, and blushed as he hastily pulled his underwear up, blushing.

"Well, I was bound to see it one day, Reem." Sirius grinned. "Chuck me my binder, would you?"

~~~

"Sev, can you see anyone?"

"I can see a lot of people, Lily, but none who you choose to spend your time with."

Lily sighed. Severus could be a sarcastic little bitch, but she loved him. It was rare to find a friend who you could get so close to, although James was getting near that point. It wasn't like it would every go any further with Severus, though. They'd known each other for so long, it would feel weird. Even if that wasn't the case, Lily was one of the few people who Sev had told about his sexuality: Severus was asexual and aromantic, so Lily knew he'd never be interested in her anyway.

Lily peered through the crowds: mainly First years, saying goodbye to their parents for the first time. Over the short figures, she spotted a single, tall figure: Moony. "There's Remus!" She poked Severus, grabbing his arm and pulling him over to her friend.

Severus, however, shook his arm free of her grip. "They're you friends, not mine. I'll see you at school, Lil." Lily frowned, giving her friend a quick one-armed hug before pushing forwards through the crowd.

"Remus!" Lily squeezed sideways between a couple of short witches chattering nervously about the possibility of getting lost on the stair cases. "Hey- dammit, Moony, you're deaf- Lupin!"

Remus finally noticed the shorter girl standing by his left shoulder, turning his head from Sirius to Lily. "Hey, Evans!" He pulled her into a hug, firmly grasping around her shoulders. "How have you been?"

"Awesome, Moony! I went to Canada with my parents, and Petunia didn't want to come, so she stayed with her friend for the whole summer and it was amazing!" Lily grinned the whole way through without pausing for breath, gasping for air as she reached the end of her sentence. "How was your summer?" She peered around Remus to see Sirius standing on the other side of his tall frame, waving sheepishly at him. "Sirius stayed with you, right?"

Remus chuckled at her enthusiasm. "Yeah, he did, we had a great time. Right, bab- barnacle?" Sirius's voice floated over Remus's stature.

"Uh- yeah, yeah we did, dogfish." Sirius shot back, earning a glare from both Remus and Lily, which he felt was a little harsh.

~~~

Sirius, Lupin and James were sitting in a carriage of the Hogwarts Express, waiting for Peter to grace them with his presence. Sirius was trying to lean into Remus's shoulder inconspicuously so that James didn't notice, and James was trying his best to pretend that he hadn't noticed.

"I swear, if that tit doesn't get here soon, the train's going to leave without him." Sirius rolled his eyes at James's frustration with Peter's untimeliness, trying to snuggle further into Remus without being too obvious, before shuffling around, pulling at his binder which felt way too tight while he was in this position, with his knees up to his chest. He grunted quietly in disappointment at having to move away from Moony slightly, but swung his legs over the edge of the seat and just leaned his shoulder against the younger boy's.

The door to their compartment burst open, Peter Pettigrew stumbling through as if he'd been leaning on the door, only for it to open suddenly without him knowing and causing him to fall. Sirius jumped at the sudden intrusion, gasping in a mix of shock and a little fear. Remus went into Protective Boyfriend Mode at the sound of Sirius's unease, putting an arm around his shoulder, grabbing his arm gently, and pulling him into his chest slightly.

James laughed at Remus's slip, trying to cover it as a cough- he did a terrible job, acting never was his forte, but Remus and Sirius were too caught up in each others bodies to notice. Even Peter thought their position was a little odd when he regained his composure and balance, but said nothing as he sat a little too close to James for James's comfort.

After a moment, Remus and Sirius realised their position, scrambling away from each other in a not at all suspicions manner, shuffling to complete opposite ends of the padded bench. They each stared at their shoes determinedly, before looking up at each other, looking down at the distance between them, and breaking down into laughter.

Peter, the little dear he was, was totally oblivious to the homosexual tensions in the room: "I brought snacks!"

~~~

"Fucking finally. I don't see why the sorting hat takes so long deciding where people belong nowadays, I mean, it never gave us a chance to say anything to it about what houses we wanted to go into- which was okay, I guess, since we all ended up where we wanted- but still, equal opportunity is important, you know?"

"James. No offence mate, but you sound like a prick." Sirius was brutally honest about the situation, because, quite honestly, no one else was going to mention how much of a dick James was being, especially considering there were impressionable First years only a few places away from them.

"Fuck off, Pad. You're telling me you don't mind waiting to eat for, oh, what, ninety minutes?"

"Guys, stop, there are young ears around that don't need to here you swearing like you're having a domestic." Remus, of course, was the one to hop in with a borderline responsible comment about not swearing in front of First years.

"He's right, you know." Lily said, after swallowing a spoonful of too hot and somewhat salty soup. "You're going to make the little idiots think you're cool with the amount you're swearing." She had another mouthful. "Although, Sirius, you're little enough. Especially compared to that giant you're next to."

Sirius glared at her for that comment. He looked up at Remus, judging the angle at which he had to look up at. While it was only about twenty degrees while sitting, it was a good forty while they were both standing. "It's not that bad. At least not sitting down..."

Lily, Remus and Peter laughed at the comment. "No need to get defensive just because you're a dwarf compared to my superior height." James just grinned at the obvious flirtation between the two that the others were seemingly oblivious to. Honestly, it had been going on for about seven months now, he was amazed that no one else had cottoned on.

Lily, however, frowned as Sirius and Remus kept eye contact for at least twelve seconds before looking away, without either of them bursting into laughter. That was no staring contest, and she knew it. She just couldn't work out why they were looking at each other like that, because, while she had a bit of a reputation, Lily's mind was that of an innocent flower. Even if her body and actions weren't necessarily at the same level.

"So," James started to break Sirius and Remus's gaze, "d'you reckon we can swap our dorms around so we're in the same room?" There was a general nodding from the boys. "I vote we swap to mine. It's the one we were in for Second year, the one with the view of the lake. Plus, according to my dorm list, Adrian's with me, so that'll be an easy swap. Lily, tell Slughorn that I'll be a bad influence on Adrian, and he'll be out of that dorm in minutes, I guarantee it.

Lily nodded. "I'll talk to him now." She left the table, having finished her bowl of soup and roll, walking over to the teachers' table.

"Who else is in the dorm?" Sirius asked, wondering if there'd be anyone who would be tricky to move.

"No one special, none of them know me so they're probably all intimidated by my wondrous good looks and charm." He winked, leaning over to whisper at Sirius and Remus, knowing that Peter wouldn't hear due to his engrossment in devouring a chicken leg. "If all else fails, just tell them you two fucked on their beds in Second year. That'll get them out of there."

"What do you-"

"We're not-"

"I'm not even gay-"

"I mean, why would you-" Remus and Sirius attempted to splutter out excuses over eachother, clearly to no avail.

"Guys, stop it, this is ridiculous. I won't say anything, and it's totally fine that you're together. Just try not to be as obvious if you want to hide it, yeah? Because the others might be oblivious, but the won't be for long if you keep going at this rate."

Remus nodded. "Thanks for not, y'know, saying anything." He squeezed Sirius's hand under the table.

"Yeah, I know none of you are, like... homophobic, I'd just like to make sure no one's going to mind first?"

"Dude, I get it, you don't have to justify yourself. Ever. I love you both, yeah?"

The couple grinned at each other, and then at James.

"Yeah."

~~~

"Boys," James said, opening the door to his three-person posse who were standing outside their new/old dorm, "welcome to paradise." He stepped aside, allowing his friends to enter, pulling their luggage behind them (although, apparently, Sirius's was mainly comprised of his underwear). "And welcome back to absolutely no privacy: I will be watching you always."

James jumped onto his bed, poking his head out through the gap in the red velvet curtain. "Always."

He collapsed in laughter, falling backwards on to the bed, the others joining in with fits of ever-so-manly giggles. "Glad to see you've not changed, Prongs."

"And you, Moony."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Lovebirds."

This caused more laughter from the other three, who knew just _how_ wrong he was.


	2. In Which James Discourages Alcoholism In First Years

“So I heard that the Hufflepuffs are having a party for Halloween, in the Forbidden Forest.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Of course you're the one to hear that, James.” He paused. “I suppose you'll be going... for a, you know… _huff and puff_.” 

“That was terrible, doll.” Sirius pouted at Remus, leaning up to peck his lips.

“Keep it in your pants, guys. I'd say get a room, but considering you're in our room...” 

Remus chuckled. “I really don't think you need to worry about that for a little while yet, James.” James raised an eyebrow, looking between the couple. 

“Have you not…?” Sirius blushed, shaking his head. “You used to, uh...sleep around though, right?”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, but that was before I realised I'm a boy. I never quite felt like me, so I slept around to feel… validated, I guess. If that makes sense?” 

Remus hugged Sirius tightly, pulling him further up between his legs so that Remus was sitting like a frog, and his chest was pressed to Sirius's back. Sirius leaned his head back so that is just about rested on Remus's right shoulder, turning his head to the left to press a quick kiss to where Remus's shoulder joined his neck. He put his hands over Remus's, resting over his stomach, squeezing them as a thank you for being so fucking lovely to him.

They heard footsteps, moving along the corridor towards their dorm in an irregular rhythm. “Shit- is that-” Remus nodded in reply to Sirius's concerns, despite the fact that Sirius couldn't see the movement, pushing Sirius forwards. He pulled his own legs back, shuffling towards his pillows so that he had room to cross his legs. 

Sirius jumped off the bed, Peter peering around the door just in time to see Sirius leaping from Remus's bed to his own, spinning mid-air and landing on his back, horizontally across the bed. “Bit too energetic for this time of night don't you think?”

There was a silence for a few seconds as Sirius and Lupin took in Sirius's extraordinarily dexterous jump, before the three boys on the cracked, all three of them laughing these big, shameless laughs that only come out by accident while you're with the people you love the most. Soon, Peter joined in, somewhat less confident about his laughter, forcing it down to a giggle, before quietly moving across the room to sit on his bed. 

James managed to cool down his laughter enough to splutter, “Maybe you're just a grandpa already, Petey- old beyond your age, bud!” through the aftershocks of his laughter.

Pete smiled a thin smile that took far too much effort for what it looked like. “Maybe I am, James.” 

James frowned, and the laughter still emitting from Remus and Sirius calmed down, the energy levels in the room dropping to an all time low. “What's wrong? I'm just joking, Wormy, you know that, right? Shit, calling you that can't have- ugh, I'm sorry, man, I'm being a prick.” He smiled regretfully at Peter, before hopping off the end of his bed and walking to Peter's, bending over to envelope him in the biggest fucking hug he'd given anyone in months. “I love you tons, okay?”

He pulled back, keeping his hands on Peter's shoulders as he knelt, leaning back slightly to look into his eyes properly. He watched as Peter bit his lip, before grinning: a massive, heart-warming smile that seemed to have been gone for forever. James ruffled Peter's hair as he pushed himself back up off the ground: it somewhat ruined the whole effect of his little speech, but hey, he'd tried, and that was the best that anyone was getting out of him tonight, if we're being honest with ourselves. 

He proceeded to walk back over to his bed, somewhat more cheerfully than when he'd moved across the small room to talk to James- although he might as well have spoken across the room, considering how attentively Sirius and Remus had been listening. He lay down on the soft duvet, before turning his head so that he could look around the room at his best friends. “It's going to sound lame after all that, but maybe we should call it a night. I mean, it's the first day of lessons tomorrow, and, I don't know, maybe we should have a fresh start with the new year?”

Sirius barked out a laugh, while Remus frowned at this sudden responsibility that had never before been seen in James. “It's not even twelve yet- what are you talking about, we always stay up 'til at least two on the first night, James!” Sirius was absolutely and completely outraged at his friend's suggestion: it was tradition to stay up as long as you possibly could on the first night back, and Sirius planned to uphold that, even if it ended up with him using lumos and prodding Remus's cheek constantly for seven hours. 

James sighed, lying back on his bed. “Yeah, I guess you're right, Paddy. D'you reckon anyone's still up in the common room?”

Sirius shrugged, much more intent on the slow, steady rise and fall of Remus's chest as he lay back on his elbows, staring up at the top of his four poster bed. “Yeah, probably… Lily was never one for staying up, though, so don't hold your breath.”

James looked over at Sirius, fully intent on glaring at him, but the second he saw the way that Sirius was gazing at Remus, his heart melted. They were honestly far too cute together, no matter how much of a fuss he put up about their PDA around him, so instead of a solid glare, he settled for a simple, “Shut up, you ballbag.” 

And that is the true meaning of friendship.

Remus sat up properly, fast enough to see Sirius look away the moment Remus's head lifted. He chuckled before looking back over at James. “So, we're going down to the common room?”

James nodded, swinging himself up and off the bed, and holding his hand out to Sirius, who took it, allowing himself to be pulled up by the younger boy. Remus swung his legs over the side of his bed, slipping off it and following James and Sirius out the door. He paused in the door, with his back to the room, realising someone was missing.

“Peter, are you coming?” He said, turning his head around to look back at Peter. “Oh.” Peter had drawn his curtains during the conversation, and none of them had been paying enough attention to him to notice his action. “Good night, Peter. Sleep well.” He began to shut the door behind him, before adding, “Sorry,” as an afterthought.

He closed the door, following James and Sirius down the stairs to the common room.

As expected, there was a group of people sitting on the sofas around the fire. As equally expected, Lily wasn't part of the group that was up. 

There were two first years taking up one sofa, huddled together, sitting cross-legged on the sofa. They seemed pretty absorbed in what appeared to be ghost stories, judging from the few words that Remus caught: something about a psychopath called Jeff. The others were closer to their age: Frank Longbottom was sitting on the floor in front of the fire, leaning against the sofa and looking up at Alice, flirting endlessly; Mary MacDonald, two years below them, was curled up in an armchair reading- the whole house knew she was an insomniac, and chose to spend her nights reading rather than disturbing the rest of her dorm room; and finally, Sturgis Podmore and Greta Chatchlove sitting practically on top of each other on the part of the sofa left free by Alice.

Glancing at Sirius and Remus, James grinned mischievously. “Time to make things a bit more exciting, eh?” Climbing on a coffee table, he raised his voice to just below a shout. “Attention, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, are you sitting comfortably?” The first years were in shock at his actions, staring in awe at the older boy as he spoke. 

Remus tugged on James's sleeve. “Don't scare the first years, James, we've talked about this.”

Sirius grinned, pulling on Remus's arm, and dragging him away from James and into an armchair. Remus found himself falling backwards onto the soft fabric, with Sirius plonking himself down on top of him, somewhat ungracefully. It was quite common for people of all genders to be fairly touchy-feely in Gryffindor, which made sense considering how tightly knitted each year was. Just like McGonagall said on their first day, their house had become truly like a second family.

A really fucked up one, but a family all the same: and, quite honestly, it was perfectly normal compared to what Sirius dealt with at home.

Sirius curled up in Remus's lap as James continued to speak.

“As I'm sure you're aware, I am the one, the only, James Potter. And, as I'm sure you are also aware- if you aren't you will be shortly- I am destined to become Quidditch captain this year.” He paused. “I hear no applause. Sirius, Remus- start applauding, please.” Sirius complied, laughing at his friend's stupidity. Remus was less willing, but joined in as soon as Sirius started whooping. “Better. Now, as a celebration for this, I have brought little present for all of you: _accio_ butter beer!”

There were a few seconds of silence expect for the crackling of the fire, and stillness except for the very visibly heavy breathing of James, who had become overexcited, before eight bottles of butter beer zoomed down the steps, landing between James's outstretched fingers, with the bottletops clinging on so that he could carry all eight in one go. 

“Unfortunately, you-” he gestured towards the first years- “are much too young for butter beer, and, as a responsible sixth year, will not supply you with it.” Hopping off the coffee table, he sauntered over to Sirius and Remus, allowing them to remove a bottle each from between his fingers before strutting towards the small crowd around the fire, handing out bottles. The first years looked a little put out: they had become quite excited throughout his speech, even abandoning their discussing of Jeff.

Sirius pulled the cap of his bottle off with his teeth as James lay down on a sofa opposite them, spreading out over the entire thing, with his head and shoulders on one arm of the sofa, and his feet crossed on the other. Remus pulled the cap off of his with his hands, which were fairly thick skinned from his clumsiness, and took a long swig from the bottle, having clinked his bottle against Sirius's. 

“Cheers. Here's to another good year.”

“Cheers to that, Moony.”

James made a come hither motion with his fingers. “Let me get in on that too, Paddy.”

Sirius tilted his head to the side as if deliberating on whether or not James was worthy of cheers-ing with him. “Hmmm… Nah.” He gasped between sips, before leaning forwards carefully to allow James to tap their bottles together. “Cheers to good friends and to good memories.”

James grinned, tipping his head backwards as he drank deeply. Sirius immediately put his bottle between his knees, hitting his knees with his hands and chanting, “Chug! Chug! Chug!” Remus soon joined in, the first years adding their high little voices seconds later. Soon, the whole room was egging James on as he dregged every last drop from the bottle. The second he removed it from his lips, he was gasping for air and wiping his lips.

“That,” he proclaimed, “is the only true was to enjoy butter beer.”

“Cheers to that,” Frank joined in, before imitating James's actions. “I'll tell you what, though. I wish there was more.”

James smiled slyly. “Well, my dear Frank, maybe there is.”


	3. In Which The Size Of James's Dick Is Discussed In Detail

The first thing that Remus heard in the morning when he awoke in the common room, having slept there along with everyone else who had stayed up with them, other than the snores of Frank, was James groaning. “Why the bloody hell is it so damn bright in here?”

“There's this amazing thing called the Sun, and this other thing called, you're a fucking idiot who drank too much, but mainly it's a combination of the Sun and no one closing the curtains.” Bitter was the only way to describe a mildly hungover Sirius Black: not hungover enough to be placid, but in enough pain to be grouchier than usual.

“Well, aren't you just a ray of sunshine this morning?”

Smirking, Sirius replied, “Your ray of sunshine, my dear.” His words were so saturated with sarcasm that the slowly waking group brushed it off as a contemptuous comment made by someone who was never the biggest fan of mornings in the first place.

Frank sat up from his position lying down with his head in Alice's lap, scrambling up to his feet, brushing off his pyjama trousers with his palms before stretching his arms up and arching his back as if the whole thing had never happened.

Rolling his eyes, Remus stood up carefully, trying to judge whether or not he was hungover- not that he expected he would be, considering how little alcohol he had consumed, but out of their group, Remus was definitely the most caring about his body. Everyone else was just thankful he hadn't started spouting anything about his body being a temple yet.

Sirius would probably have to curse him if he ever did. Of course, he would be disappointed in himself for cursing his boyfriend, but would do it all the same: for the betterment and safety of the rest of humanity.

“Shit.” As Sirius began to move, his ribs clicked, and he realised how hard he was finding it to breathe. Last night, Sirius hadn't had time to get changed before James brought the two of them downstairs, so he had been wearing his binder since yesterday morning. He could barely breathe, air shooting into his lungs in small, painful bursts as the stress built. 

Remus heard Sirius's cursing, looking over at him in a second, just like the protective boyfriend he was. As he turned his head, his sensitive hearing picked up the quick, short breaths that Sirius was forcing into his lungs. Frowning, he tried to think of what would be wrong, waiting for it to click. “Oh.”

“Moon- Moony, can you- help me, I-”

“Of course, Pads.” Remus rushed back to the chair that he and Sirius had been curled up together in, hooking an arm under Sirius's bent knees, and the other arm under Sirius's armpits in order to carry him bridal-style up to the dorms. 

When Remus reached the dorm, having stumbled up the stairs and along the corridor, he realised that he didn't have enough arms to open the door since he'd have to turn the handle. “Fuck.” He took a breath, before knocking on the door as best as he could with one foot, balancing carefully on the other leg. “Wormy, can you, uh- can you open the door, please?”

“I'm not getting up just because you want to wake me up, Remus.” Wormtail had clearly been awake for a while: his voice was totally clear, and Remus knew that when Peter woke up his voice sounded like total shit. 

“Seriously, Pete- I need to you open the door, Sirius- Sirius can't breathe properly, I'm carrying him, and you need to help or he could pass out- he's not breathing well, I-” The door shot open, Wormtail hurrying away from the door frame so that the other could enter.

Turning to the side so that they could fit through, Remus shuffled through the doorway, Sirius's weight beginning to tire his arms out. He hurried over to his own bed since it was closest to the door, plonking Sirius down on the soft mattress. He climbed onto the bed, kneeling by Sirius's chest. “Wormy, I'm sorry, but could you, uh-”

“Sure, let me know when he's… okay?” 

Nodding, Remus replied, “of course. I just don't know if he'd be comfortable with you in here while I, uh… Strip him.”

Peter turned and left, allowing Sirius his privacy as Remus unbuttoned Sirius's checked shirt, pulling it down over his shoulders and lifting Sirius's arms one at a time as quickly as possible so that he could tug it out from underneath the small of his back where it curves up.

Gently, Remus placed his hands underneath Sirius's shoulder blades so that he could pull him up to a sitting position. Rubbing one hand up and down Sirius's spine, he pushed the fingers of the other hand up the back of Sirius's binder. He leaned Sirius forwards so that their chests were pressed together and he didn't have to hold the older boy up any more, and forced both his hands up the binder, running them around the front as he pushed the tight, elastic material up Sirius's chest and over his breasts. 

“Sirius, I'm really sorry, but you're going to have to lift your arms up properly so I can take this off and you can breathe again. Can you do that for me, love?” 

Sirius weakly started moving his arms, managing to rest them on Remus's shoulders but erupting in broken sobs as he found himself unable to move them any further. “Okay, Pads, that's okay.” 

Remus succeeded in pulling the material over Sirius's drooping head, tugging it along his extended arms. Sirius took a huge, deep breath that Remus could see reached all the way down into Sirius's diaphragm as soon as the fabric was over his head and his chest was open enough to intake proper breaths. 

Sirius's eyes finally opened properly after being half closed for several minutes as his body recovered from the lack of oxygen. Sobs were still surfaces every few seconds as he struggled with how vulnerable he felt and how much he had been forced to rely on Remus, and just how reliable Remus was and how wonderful he always was to Sirius, and how much he adored Remus and it was all too much as the feelings collapsed on Sirius's tired mind. 

“Hey, hey, it's okay, doll, it's going to be fine, I'm here, I'm not going to leave until you want me to, okay?” Remus rubbed Sirius's bare back ;) softly in an attempt at comforting his distraught boyfriend. 

“Can you get me, uh, a shirt, please, or a jumper, or one of your sweaters, actually, that would be perfect, I'm sorry to be such a bother, but I-” Remus kissed his nose, and his cheek, and his forehead, and the top of his head.  
“Of course I can, sweetie.” Remus closed the curtains a little around Sirius to preserve his privacy in case anyone came in- particularly McGonagall looking for them since they were all inevitably late for lessons.

Walking over to Sirius's trunk, Remus finally took a moment to think about just how tight the binder that Sirius had drunkenly slept in. He'd read about how tight they should be when Sirius came out to him, and he knew that he should have been able to fit his fingers under the bottom hem easier than he could. Frowning, he considered mentioning it to Sirius before his tact came into play and he realised that it would be particularly hasty to say anything while Sirius was in this state.

He opened Sirius's trunk, pushing the mass of clothing around until he spotted a striped shirt that he was pretty sure used to belong to him. He decided not to question it, tugging the T-shirt out of the pile and taking it back to Sirius. 

“Do you want a hand putting it on?” Remus dropped the shirt next to Sirius's legs, taking one of his hands in both of his own. “You're shaking.” He brought Sirius's hand to his lips, kissing all over his fingers and palm before holding it to his heart. “Feel this?”

Sirius nodded, looking down at his lap.

“That's all for you.” 

Sirius smiled weakly, opening his eyes fully and looking up into Remus's eyes. “Thank you.” 

Remus watched as a tear fell down Sirius's cheek, leaning in to kiss the damp trail it left behind it as it fell. “Are you… Scared?”

Remus frowned at Sirius's question. “What do you mean, doll?”

“It was really fast.” 

Remus smiled, shaking his head a little. “Of course I'm scared. You couldn't breathe, and as your dutiful boyfriend, it's my job to be scared.” Grinning, Sirius leaned forwards and kissed Remus's cheek.

“I'm sorry. I'll be more careful, I promise.” Remus chuckled, before pushing the T-shirt into Sirius's hands. 

“The others are going to want to come in to get changed. I can just chuck them all some clothes and keep them out if you want? Or is it okay for them to come in here?”

“Here's okay. I might be late for Charms this morning, though.”

Nodding, Remus slid off the bed and walked to the door. “I'll stay with you, if you want.” He opened the door, shouting down the corridor in the hopes that the others would hear. “Guys! You can come back in if you want now!”

Within ten seconds, James and Peter was galloping- literally galloping, with the weird movement pattern and everything- down the corridor towards their room. 

“No point in both of us being late. Thanks anyway, though.”

“Okay. If you're sure.” Remus stepped back inside, shutting the door after James and Peter entered, and immediately beginning to change clothes as quickly as possible.

~~~

“So, I was talking to Severus the other day, and-”

“I thought we agreed to refer to him only as Prickerus.”

Lily slapped James's shoulder, rolling her eyes. “No, arsehole. You said that, but I never said anything of the sort.”

“Can you two just go out? Save us all the pain of your awkward flirting.” Remus shook his head at the pair, stabbing some kale onto his fork.

“I- uh, I-” James stumbled over the sounds, trying to work out which sentence he actually wanted to formulate, but struggling to even comprehend the betrayal he felt at Remus's words. It was meant to be a secret, but clearly their friendship meant nothing Remus, because if it meant anything at all, he wouldn't have made such a comment. Of course, there was always the possibility that James was over-exaggerating what was meant to be a simple joke at James and Lily's expense, but Sirius was the drama queen, not James, so obviously Remus was just being cruel.

“Oh, please, someone his size could never satisfy a girl like me.” Lily pouted, before poking her tongue out at James and giggling. She slurped away at a spoon of spicy tomato soup before dipping her bread in it and tearing off the part with soup on in a fashion that she somehow managed to make seductive. 

“I think that something that small should be banned for discussion while we're eating.” Peter chimed in with a comment that was probably just due to the fact that thinking about James's dick was making him somewhat flustered, and the only way he could think to divert the subject matter was to continue to jeer at James. 

“You know what, Peter? I've never felt more betrayed.” James took a bite of his chicken before continuing, with his mouthful. He did this purely to get at Remus, who gagged at the contents of his mouth showing. “I expect it from Lils, but never from you. I'm hurt.”

Remus steadfastly looked down at his plate of a jacket potato with beans and vegetables. He was vegetarian, and the only meat he ever wanted to see in anyone's mouth was his own. In Sirius's mouth, of course.

“And, I'll have you know that my dick is above average for our age group. So Lily, if that can't satisfy you, it means you're getting off with older guys, which I believe is considered inappropriate for a barely legal sixteen-year-old.” James smirked as he finished his sentence. “I'm just saying, y'know?”

“You know what, I actually had something of worth to say before we diverted so disgracefully. Do any of you actually care about anything except for who has the biggest dick?” The boys were all quietened by her snappy words, feeling quite bashful about how true it was that all they seemed to talk about was each other's lower regions.

“Thank you. As I was saying, I was talking to Severus earlier today, and he mentioned that we have a surprise Potions test coming up in a week or so. And so I went to Slughorn, and asked about what we might need to know about in the near future, and because he'd probably give me a foot worship if I asked, he told me exactly what we need to be revising. Didn't even ask how I knew about the test.”

She stopped talking, and the boys all stared at her as she continued eating. Remus raised his eyebrows, finally breaking the silence. “Great. That's all well and good as long as you tell us what we need to revise. Or are you just going to hold this over our heads?”

“Oh! Right, yeah, of course. Hang on,” she leaned over to dig around in the bag she had with her. “I made a list, it's in here somewhere. Uhh- one minute.”

Peter shook his head in disbelief at how useless they all were, as Remus and James watched her with gormless expressions. “Fuck's sake, guys- accio list.”

About seven lists zoomed out of Lily's bag, and the group watched wide-eyed as they landed one after another in Peter's hand.

“Dammit, Wormy- there's a reason I didn't do that. Here, give them to me.” Lily reached over, grabbing the paper from Peter's grip, blushing madly. “One of these is… Private.”

James barked out a laugh, continuing to chuckle as he spoke. “What, is it a shopping list for new, uh… toys?”

Looking up with a deadpan expression at James, Lily glared mercilessly until Remus took it upon himself to end his best friend's slow death.

“Was Sirius in Transfiguration with you today, guys? I have Divination while you guys are there, because obviously separating one of us from the others in a single class will stop you guys ruining the working atmosphere.” He rolled his eyes. “I'm not even the one doing anything.”

Peter frowned. “No, I don't… I don't think he was there. Did you see him?” He turned his head to James, who always sat with Sirius.

“Nah, I sat with old Lils today.”

Remus stood immediately, swinging his legs over the bench, pulling his bag onto his shoulder and beginning to stride out of the room. 

“Where ya going?” Remus looked at James in disbelief.

“Sirius is one of your best friends and you don't even care that he didn't turn up to a lesson without even telling you to cover for him?” Remus shook his head angrily. “I mean, I kind of expected him to skip out on Charms, but come on James, you absolute twat!”

Without realising, Remus had been raising his voice, and by the end, there was a large group of people around them listening to his little rant. “And you can all fuck off and mind your own business!” He quietened. “Nosy cunts.”

Remus proceeded to sprint through the corridors to reach the Gryffindor dorms in record time, several teachers shouting at him not to run inside on the way. 

Bursting through the door their dorm, he flung open the curtains around Sirius's bed, only to find it was empty. “Sirius?” He called out in the hopes that Sirius would be nearby. “Sirius!” His call became a shout as fear took over. He was understandably terrified after the morning's incident. 

He heard a groan coming from his own bed, and he rushed the few steps to that he could peer through the curtains. 

Sighing in relief, he saw Sirius's shaggy hair shielding his face as he buried his cheeks into the pillow.

Remus frowned, confused as to what was going on here until he took in more detail. Sirius had headphones in, he could just about here something playing- full of shouting, like most of the music Sirius listened to- and his hand was down the front of his boxers. More of Remus's boxers, too, unsurprisingly.

Biting his lip, Remus smirked at the sight of his boyfriend touching himself on Remus's bed, taking in a small, sharp breath as he heard Sirius moan his name. Crawling over to his boyfriend, he pulled out his earphones before kissing his exposed neck. “Is this what you've been missing lessons for, doll?”

Sirius blinked up at Remus, his breath shallow and fast, his eyes half shut, nodding. 

Remus replied, tutting. “Bad boy. My bad boy.” He grinned, attacking Sirius's neck once more while replacing Sirius's hand with his own.

~~~

Sirius trailed his fingers up and down Remus's now-bare chest, smiling peacefully. They had been cuddling for a few hours now, Sirius feeling too exhausted (mentally and now physically) to go to lessons, and Remus being to sympathetic to his boyfriend for his own good. 

Sitting up, Sirius murmured a few indistinguishable syllables. 

“What was that, love?”

Sirius sighed, shuffling backwards to lean against the wall. “I'm sorry for making you worried earlier.”

Chuckling, Remus sat up to pull Sirius into his lap. “No worries. I worry about everything, you know that, and now it's my job to worry about you, too.” He grinned. “Plus, now I know what your reason was. I think it's a good enough excuse, hmm?”

Sirius laughed, leaning his forehead and nose against Remus's, so that their lips were an inch or so apart. “Maybe not good enough for McGonny, though.”

“Mmm… Maybe you should think of a better one.” Remus spoke, wrapping his arms around Sirius, pulling their chests together so that they were as close as they could physically be. “I'm kind of glad you stayed here all day. I wish you'd told me so I could have brought you food, though.”

Sirius buried his face into the curve where Remus's neck met his shoulder, confused. “Why? Like, why are you glad?”

“'Cause it means you haven't had your binder on. I think your ribs needed a break.” He paused, deciding whether or not he'd be overstepping his boundaries if he said what he was thinking. He took a deep breath before continuing. “Is it too tight? Your binder? I could barely get my fingers underneath and you were hardly breathing, and if I can't get my fingers in easily then I don't know how you could ever breathe properly.”

Sirius slumped further into Remus's shoulder, his back curving as his circled his arms around Sirius's back. “Honestly, I-” He sighed. “I guess I struggle breathing, and maybe I struggle more than I should, but this was the only size that made them flat because I couldn't afford a good quality one because of my fucking parents.”

Remus gripped Sirius tightly as he began to sob gently in his arms, feeling his own eyes begin to burn with the sting of tears. “I'll get you a proper one, love. I promise.”

Sirius shook his head violently. “No, no- no, you don't need to, I- oh my God, I love you a lot, Remus, I just-”

Remus gently pushed him backwards so that he could lean forward and kiss Sirius's cheek. “I love you a lot too, Padfoot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited about this fic I have never been passionate about one fic for so long send help   
> Lex xo


	4. In Which Beds Feature Far Too Heavily (not in the way you think)

When Sirius woke, his body suffocating under the toasty duvet he had remained cocooned in all night, the first thing he felt was a longing for Remus's warmth against his: human body heat was just something that you couldn't replicate with extra pillows to cuddle or hot water bottles or any amount of snuggling into your duvet.

Groaning, he twisted over in his duvet so he was in a loose foetal position, realising just how much he loved Remus and his emotion collapsing in on him all at once, crumpling and creating a tidal wave of feelings. Sirius had never even thought he would love someone like he loved Remus, and he couldn't possibly comprehend how he deserved someone so… _wonderful_. 

He smiled as a tear trailed down his cheek, tilting his head to rub his cheek on the duvet, drying the dampness. 

Fidgeting, he lay on his back once more, grinning shamelessly at the memory of what they had done yesterday. Remus was a responsible little shit, and he'd been determined not to do anything sexual until the time was “right”, whenever that may be, which had really taken a toll of Sirius, who had been very much used to satisfaction from practically anyone he wanted it from, whenever he wanted it.

According to Sirius's watch, it was half five in the morning. Disgraceful. He couldn't understand why his brain had decided that now was an appropriate time to wake up until he head shuffling from what sounded like Peter's bed. Sighing, he sat, stretched slightly, before realising that was a stupid thing to do because he probably wouldn't be able to sleep again now, before poking his head through his curtains to see that Peter's curtains were open. 

Peter himself was sitting up in bed, reading, his wand lighting the pages. Sirius frowned before standing and padding over to Peter, perching on the end of his bed.

“What's up, Wormy? Why are you up?” He whispered softly, his voice coming out in a slight growl with tiredness. 

Peter closed his book, placing his wand on the bed between them; Sirius swung his legs up onto the bed, taking Peter's gesture as a sign that he was willing to talk. “I couldn't sleep.” 

Sirius found himself scanning his friend's face, studying his features, noting how pale Peter had become, how his lips were a lighter colour than usual, how large and prominent the bags under his eyes were and how harrowed his eyes themselves looked.

Kneeling up, Sirius leaned forwards to grip his friend in a tight hug, squeezing Peter's shoulders as Peter awkwardly accepted the unusual display of affection towards him. “What's wrong, Petey?” Sirius murmured, his chin bouncing his head around as it rested on Peter's shoulder. 

Peter should his head, biting his lips into his mouth nervously, as if he were trying to force himself not to confide in his friend. “It doesn't matter. It's silly, really.”

Sirius leaned back, gripping Peter's shoulders and holding him at arm's length, looking into his eyes earnestly. “If it's stopping you from sleeping, then it's a problem. Let me help- at least let me try.”

Seemingly effortlessly, Peter smiled gently at Sirius, appreciating his concern but without any real belief that it was genuine. “Honestly, Sirius, I'm just worried about the, uh- the Potions test coming up next week.”

Sirius's eyes went wide as he tried to recall whether there was a test coming up that he'd forgotten about. “Shit, I- _what test, Wormy?_ ”

Chuckling, Peter replied, “Oh, you weren't there at lunch- right, of course, sorry. Lily told us about this 'surprise test' that Slughorn's giving us next week. She's got a list of what to revise, ask her about it tomorrow. She still needs to let the rest of us copy down the topics.”

Sirius nodded, relieved that no one else would know about the test, so there was no feasible way for him to get the lowest mark of the class this time. “Okay. That's okay, Pete, it'll be fine. None of us are brilliant at Potions, are we? I mean, except Moony, but he's brilliant at everything, so you don't need to take his mark into account, because you just _know_ he'll get an Outstanding.”

“Guys, if you're going to talk about my academic achievements, either keep your voices down or do it outside. Please.” Remus's voice was viciously cutting and loud compared to the tone the other boys had thought their voices to be at- though they had apparently risen to a high enough volume to wake up Remus- causing Sirius and Peter to wince, before breaking out into giggles at Remus's tone of voice.

“I don't see why you're laughing at this, it's not funny in the slightest. I'd appreciate you not talking about my school work.”

“Merlin! I don't see why any of you are awake at all, it's-” James's obnoxiously loud voice paused, presumably as he checked his watch- “it's not even fucking six yet, you bloody wankers.”

“Oh, silly me, I thought it was normal to wake up at the crack of dawn every morning in order to avoid being a total disappointment to your parents- or it that just me?” Sirius was attempting humour based on his home life, which was tactless usually, but even more so when this 'humour' was spoken in such a bitter voice that one can only acquire at this time of the morning. 

James sighed. “You know I didn't mean anything like that, Sirius. Sorry, mate.” Sirius snorted at James's complete inability to grasp the concept of humour.

“It was a joke, Prongs. You ever heard of those?”

“Padfoot, I don't think you should be joking about your family like that. They might know. They seem to know everything wrong you ever do anyway.”

Sirius was taken aback by just how true that was, and how unnervingly realistic it seemed to be that his family would find a way to listen to everything Sirius ever said. They never did trust him, let alone like him. “Fair point.”

With that, Sirius hopped back across the room and into his bed, pulling the covers back over himself. “Night, everyone.”

“Night, wanker.” 

“Ay, and Wormy?” Peter hummed in response. “Get some sleep, ya twat.”

~~~

Sirius lay on his back, his left hand laying on his stomach with his right hand on top of it, tapping his fingers for a good ten minutes before he gave up.

“Anyone awake?” He breathed out, hoping it would be just loud enough for anyone awake to hear.

“Yeah.” Remus's voice floated gently through the curtain, bringing a smile to Sirius's lips. “Can't sleep?”

“Nah. You neither?”

“Nope.” He paused. “Come lie with me, Pads?” Grinning, Sirius bit his lip. It was a risk: Peter could hear their conversation, or see him slipping into Remus's bed if he hadn't shut his curtains yet, but Sirius felt so God damn lonely lying by himself that he figured it was a risk he was willing to take.

He slipped a leg through a gap in his curtains, tiptoeing over to Remus's bed, which was only a few paces away. He glanced across the room, checking that the other boys' curtains were all shut before diving through onto his boyfriend's bed.

Remus smiled up at him, shuffling to the right and pulling the left hand side of the duvet cover over the top of his side of the duvet while Sirius practically lay on him. 

Sirius rolled off of Remus's chest and onto the mattress, allowing Remus to cover him with Sirius's side of the duvet. Remus turned over so that he was on his side, facing Sirius. Sirius did the same, grinning at the sight of Remus's face so close to his own: something that could never happen as much as he wanted it to, especially at school.

Kissing Remus's nose, Sirius hooked his left leg over Remus's right leg, letting it sit just above Remus's knee, and wrapped his left arm over Remus's shoulder. Remus chuckled softly, gently nibbling Sirius's nose in retaliation; Sirius took this opportunity to kiss Remus, because if he had nothing covering his mouth, he would _absolutely_ have burst into laughter, and Remus's lips were the only handily available thing to press against his own lips.

As soon as Sirius pulled back, Remus commented, “I miss doing this. Sleeping together.”

“D'you think the guys would be okay with us doing this? Like, if we told Wormy?”

Remus frowned. He hated how self-conscious Sirius was about their relationship: he didn't mind not telling Peter and Lily, but he didn't want Sirius feeling like they wouldn't be happy with them being together. 

“Of course they would.” Sirius hummed contently, squeezing Remus a little tighter as he did so. “Why do you ask? You thinking about telling them?”

Sirius was silent, his grip loosening as Remus spoke softly. It was only when he made a little, snuffling snore that Remus realised Sirius had fallen asleep as Remus was talking.

~~~

“ _Shit!_ James, Remus! Sirius isn't in his bed!” 

The boys all groaned as Peter panicked, having opened the curtains of Sirius's bed, seen that Sirius wasn't there, and screaming about how he had disappeared.

Remus slowly moved his hand over Sirius's mouth, snaking his arm up and around his head: they had shuffled around in their sleep, and Sirius was now the little spoon, rather than facing each other. “Shhhh,” he murmured in Sirius's ear, trying to be quiet so that Peter wouldn't here, before calling, “He's probably just gone to the toilet, Wormy. Don't worry about it.”

“Exactly, you're not his mother, Wormy!”

Peter frowned, crossing his arms. It seemed like Sirius was the only one being kind to him at the minute: the others were so… _scathing_. “Well, I'm going to check on him. Fuck you guys.” Opening the door, he paused in the doorway, before muttering, “Wankers.”

They heard him walk away, the door closing behind him, and James burst into laughter. “Guys, you can stop hiding now. Fucking smooth, oh, my God.”

Sirius pulled himself out of Remus's grip, stretching his arms up once he stood. “You guys really need to be nicer to him. He doesn't deserve you being dicks to him _all_ the time.”

Rolling his eyes, James crossed his arms. “We're not. Plus, he doesn't mind, you know that.”

Sirius frowned. James could be an insensitive prick, but he wasn't usual totally incapable of any empathy. “How do you know he's okay with it? Would you be okay with your best friends picking on you all the time?”

He sighed, shaking his head, before dropping the topic and starting to get dressed into his uniform, allowing the room to sink into an uncomfortable silence as he did so.

Honestly, he expected that kind of response from James, but he didn't expect Moony to be unaffected by it: his silence was more disturbing to Sirius than how they treated Peter in the first place. He had wanted Remus to be more sympathetic to Peter than he seemed to have been, and that was oddly disappointing to Sirius.

The second he had pulled his jumper over his head, Sirius stepped towards the door, pulling it open to find Peter. It seemed like he had more remorse about how they had been treating Peter than the others put together, so he took it upon himself to leave his best friend and boyfriend to go and look for the one whose supposed best friends seemed not to care about.

Sirius found Peter sitting in front of the fire in the common room, his knees tucked up to his chest and his arms clutching his legs to keep them there. His chin was resting on his knees, and his eyes were shut: peacefully, not as if he were trying to block out the world, more as if he were catching up on the sleep he had missed during the night. 

Walking over to him, dodging between the various sofas and armchairs that were always scattered around the room, Sirius knelt next to Peter, placing his hand on his shoulder in a way that was meant to be comforting, but just caused Peter to gasp and jolt slightly.

“Shit, sorry. Were you asleep?”

“Nah, I don't think so. Not sure how long I've been here, though, so maybe, I guess. I don't know.”

“You should probably go get dressed pretty soon, Pete. Just a warning, but you've only got fifteen, twenty minutes of breakfast left.” Peter nodded, pushing himself up with a groan as if standing was suddenly a monumental effort. He was about to walk away when Sirius stood, grabbing Peter's sleeve. “Wait, I, uh… Just wanted to say thanks for going to look for me. You didn't need to, but, um, thanks for being concerned, I suppose.”

Smiling weakly, Peter replied, “No problem, Pads. You'd do the same for me, I guess.”

“Of course I would.” Sirius thumped Peter on the back before striding out of the common room and towards the Great Hall, refusing to consider waiting for Remus or James, and storming down the stairs.

~~~

“D'you remember that party I told you about?” James asked, stuffing his mouth with mashed potato and gravy. “The Halloween one that the Hufflepuff sixth years are hosting?” There was a general nodding from Lily, Remus, Sirius and James as they sat, clumped together as closely as possible, in the Great Hall, eating dinner.

“Well, obviously Halloween's next week, and I just wanted to check you were all coming? We need matching costumes, or at least a theme, so we need to decide soon. Just so we can buy stuff for it in Hogsmeade this weekend.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “If only Halloween were two days later. I could have gone as the hideous beast I would have become.” His sarcastic attempt at humour caused Sirius to look down, swirling his spoon in the leak and potato soup that was in front of him.

“I wish you wouldn't joke about that, Moony.”

“And yet you all call me Moony. It's nothing, Pads, you know that.”

“I know,” Sirius replied, nodding, “it's just that… You know I don't enjoy seeing you hurt like you always do around the full moon.” He paused. “I don't even think it's a very good idea for you to go.”

“Everyone else is going, Sirius, there's no reason I shouldn't.”

Their friends had all gone silent, and were listening as they had their little tiff. 

“I'm not going.” Peter spoke softly, playing with the baked beans he had on his plate, as if he didn't think anyone would listen to him. _You'll all have fun without me, though._

Despite Peter's lack of confidence about the group listening to him, this small sentence sparked a host of comments about how he just had to go.

“Why the fuck not?”

“Too much homework, or what? Because Sirius can just flirt a way out of it for you, you know that.”

“We need the whole gang for the costumes! I was thinking we could go as the Scooby Doo crew!”

“We've only got one girl, though! We'd be missing either Thelma or Patsy!”

“Yeah, and who's the dog, me or Sirius?” This caused Sirius to playfully punch Remus's arm before carefully and inconspicuously leaning into it, having forgiven Remus's silence as Sirius defended Peter earlier.

“You be Scooby, I'll be Scrappy!”

“Seriously, though, Pete. How come you won't go? Won't be the same without you, mate.” James spoke with affection for the first time in a while, causing Peter's heart to swell before he realised he probably just wanted more people to make their theme stronger.

“I don't know, I'll think about it, I guess. I'm just not feeling it.” James pushed his head forward, eyes with, with his shoulders up.

“What the hell, man? This is going to be the greatest party of our whole time at Hogwarts!”

Peter shrugged. “You know me. Just not that into the whole party scene. Plus, you said it yourself, there are gonna be drugs there, and I don't want that near me. Okay?”

With that, Peter pulled himself up from the bench, and shuffled out of the room.

“Ah well,” James continued regardless, his sensitivity having apparently disintegrated once more. “It'll be a great night, with or without that killjoy. Snivelly won't be there, will he, Lily?”

She shook her head. “Nope. He might pop down at the end to grab a little something of one of the Hufflepuffs if they're far gone, but other than that, he won't be there.”

“What about,” He paused. “ _Narcissa_?” Sirius's voice was unusually sharp as he spoke, not that his tone was unexpected, considering his words.

“I bloody hope not. No offence.”

“None taken, Lily, you know that.”

“I mean, I doubt there'll be any Slytherins there, to be honest. It's not like they get on particularly well with any houses other than their own.” Lily paused for a mouthful of spinach. “And honestly, Hufflepuff aren't realistically going to want them there, anyway.”

They continued to finish their meals until silence, Lily finishing first. “Gideon and Fabian should be there, though. Always a laugh.”

Remus pointed his fork at Lily, chuckling slightly. “That's a fact, folks.”

The group giggled collectively, standing to leave the Great Hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually so in love with this fic send help


	5. In Which Peter Is Very Sorry Indeed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to slap a trigger warning on this chapter. I've put an A/N when it gets to the trigger-y bit. There's a no-detail summary at the end.

_**I'm going to slap a trigger warning on this chapter, the first quarter or so is safe, I'll put a little A/N when it's about to get trigger-y. There'll be a summary at the end that doesn't go into any emotional detail, just the facts, in case that's better for anyone. Be careful, ily lots.** _

_On top of the roof_

_The air is so cold and so calm…_

_Don't make it true_

_Don't jump._

“I'm so disappointed we didn't coordinate costumes.” James glared at his reflection in the mirror, oddly bitter about this for someone with no real concern for Halloween, and just an interest in getting off his face.

“Speak for yourself, mate.” Sirius and Remus were standing with their arms linked, Sirius dressed as the Joker, and Remus as Harley Quinn. It had been a surprise for Sirius, and he was initially worried that Remus expected him to be Harley; Remus was somewhat offended that Sirius would think something like that of him, and was currently taking it upon himself to flaunt the costume as much as he could, with the edition of padding to fill the red and black corset, and fishnets that he'd bought in Hogsmeade underneath the similarly-coloured shorts.

He'd even 'borrowed' a pair of McGonagall's heels (he'd snuck into her room while she was teaching and nicked the sauciest pair he could find. He hadn't expected to nab a pair of sparkly red heels, and he didn't want to think about why she had them.)

Sirius was very impressed with Remus's dedication to getting these costumes: turned out that the visit to Hogsmeade before last, Remus hadn't just been sneaking out to London to buy a present for his mum, but also to trawl through six costume shops to find “the perfect match”.

“Hey, Wormy- you sure you're okay by yourself all night?”

“I'll be fine, Sirius. Enjoy yourself. Tell you what, I'll even catch you up on your Charms homework if you're lucky and I finish mine in time.” Sirius unhooked himself from Remus, slapping Peter heartily on the back.

“You're a pal, Pete.” He looked at Remus before continuing. “Can I tell him, Remus? Right now?” Remus smiled, confused.

“Are you sure? I don't want you to do anything you'll regret tomorrow.”

Sirius nodded. “I guess. Tomorrow, then.”

James was standing, watching the three of them with his hip cocked, a hand on his waist. “Guys, we really need to get going. I'm all for fashionably late, but we're getting past that point and more into, 'I read 19:00 as nine o'clock, not seven. Whoops, sorry, I'm a tit.' Get a move on.”

“Fuck you, too, James. Let's go, Quinny.” Sirius took Remus's hand as he spoke, stalking out the room, stopping briefly in the doorway to wave goodbye to Peter with his free hand. “You're a doll, Pete. Have a good one.”

With that, he dragged Remus out of the door and towards the stairs, leaving Prongs to trail behind.

_**[A/N- not the trigger warning, but from now on, bold will be Peter's POV, and regular will be the third-person POV that focuses on Sirius, James and Remus. The POVs are happening at the same time.]** _

**The second the guys leave, I open my top drawer, fishing out my Potions notes to finish my homework. It was an essay on some potion about paranoia, but it all seems quite pointless to me. I know that I'll end up in the Muggle world, with some dull job in an office. The only reason I really need to be here is for friends, I guess, not that James and Remus are much of an incentive to stay any more.**

**I was hoping that once he worked out I fancy him, James would be nicer to me, but apparently it made no difference. Except adding fuel to his excessive ego.**

**I wouldn't generally bother with this homework, like I haven't worried about any of the work that's been set recently. Any I have done hasn't exactly been up to standard. But right now, I needed a distraction, and this is all I've got now that I'm alone.**

Remus and Sirius trailed after James as he lead the way into the Forbidden Forest. They could already hear the music playing at the party, which was about half a kilometre into the Forest. Not exactly Sirius's cup of tea, but hey- he'd live. Plus, there was the added bonus of the _view_ , which was particularly fine as he walked just behind Remus.

As they neared the party, James turned, spreading his arms out wide as he walked backwards, facing Remus and Sirius. “Welcome to hell, guys.” Those were his final words before he spun, sprinting towards the bonfire they could see in the near distance.

People were beginning to spot the couple, greeting them, laughing at their costumes, asking if they were trying to make a point. They replied that Remus was simply feeling particularly secure in his masculinity today.

They replies were overwhelmingly positive and heart-warming, with several slightly drunk party-goers saying that they admired what they were doing and wished they were that brave. In response to these people, Sirius and Remus laughed awkwardly, before saying they really must be going, hurrying away before any secrets were spilled.

**I have never felt more alone than I do right now.**

**I've half-arsed my way through my first three paragraphs, without fully knowing whether the potion increases or decreases paranoia- I think I've used both, actually- and I have never been more alone.**

**Being by myself wasn't the best idea, I now realise, but it's too late. I've been planning this for a while now, and I'm _not_ backing out.**

**It's what I want.**

**All I want.**

**I get out a fresh sheet of parchment, and begin to write. _James, Lily, Remus, and Sirius…_**

“Spin the bottle, anyone?” There was a general roar of ' _fuck yeah_ ' from those who were drunk enough, and a chuckle of 'what are we, second years?' from those who hadn't quite reached that level yet.

As a crowd of students gathered in a circle next to the bonfire, ready to snog whoever they were instructed to, Remus wandered over to the drinks, which were floating in the air, charmed. Sirius followed, accepting the tequila shot that Remus gave him.

“Hey, Moony, we can't do body shots properly since we're in public, but…”

Remus chuckled, pouring a little water from a plastic bottle onto his hand before rubbing it on his neck. He tilted his head to the side, allowing Sirius to sprinkle some salt onto the damp area so it would stick, from a shaker that had been floating with the tequila bottle. There was also a box of lime slices, one of which he took and placed between Remus's teeth.

Remus's cheek turned up into a grin as he kept his teeth latched onto the edge of the lime, while he felt Sirius's tongue trail up his neck, sucking gently and nibbling, trying to collect all the salt that he could. The moment Sirius had finished, he tipped the shot back into his throat, swallowing quickly, before leaning forwards once more to suck at the lime between Remus's lips.

He didn't pull the lime from his mouth, he left it in Remus's teeth, effectively making out with the lime, occasionally allowing Remus's lips to touch his own.

The couple repeated this in various fashions, licking salt off of each other's collarbones, cheeks, the back of their necks, Remus's exposed stomach. They were, to put it politely, totally _fucking_ wasted.

_**[A/N OKAY THIS IS WHERE THE TRIGGER WARNING IS STARTING BE SAFE it's not too bad at first but like]** _

_Writing this note is the hardest thing I have ever done._

_I thought it would be easy: I thought I'd have nothing to say, that I didn't really care what anyone thought of my actions, that they wouldn't give a shit, that they wouldn't even read what I had written._

_As it turns out, I have a lot more to say than I thought. I've just never been brave enough to say it out loud._

_I managed to finish it, though, and now I'm walking up the cold stone steps to the Astronomy Tower. The note is clutched in my right hand, and I'm fucking freezing, but that won't matter for much longer._

_I look over my shoulder, briefly seeing a dark shadow at the bottom of the staircase. It was probably my imagination, I haven't eaten anything today, and I'm a little hazy. It definitely looked like a person, but I've been seeing things for a while now anyway._

_I place my note under a little rock so it doesn't blow away as soon as I reach the top of the staircase, before proceeding to the railings at the edge of the tower._

Sirius stepped on to a metre-tall tree trunk, allowing Remus to give him a leg-up since he wasn't tall enough by himself. He pulled his wand out of his pocket, muttering 'Sonorus' while pointing his wand at his throat, so that everyone could hear.

“Attention, fellow… Hogwartians. I have an important announcement to make!” Sirius shouted unnecessarily loudly, since the charm was doing it's work. Remus winced: he was standing right next to Sirius, and the sudden volume was unpleasant to his sensitive ears. “I,” he paused for dramatic effect, “am gay! I'm a massive homo! And you know who I'm homo for?” He grinned. “The wondrous Remus Lupin, who I love veeeeerry verry much, and who is particularly beautiful dressed as Harley Quinn.”

There was a cheer, the crowd that had gathered being particularly intoxicated, and particularly supportive (especially as they were mainly Hufflepuffs). As well as the fact that most of them had already worked out that Sirius Black was the biggest homosexual that the world had ever known.

“ **I… am gay! I'm a massive homo!”**

_**Of course** _ **he wouldn't tell me. I bet James knew. I bet all his other fucking friends knew.**

**I wish I could stop listening to Sirius's voice, block it out, because, right now, it's the only thing keeping me holding on to this railing. It's practically gluing me here, because I can't possibly jump while I can hear the voice of the only person I still consider a true _friend_. Even if he had never told me such an important thing.**

**All too soon, though, Sirius has finished speaking. He's finished speaking, and I'm leaning forwards, my hands still clinging to the railings, and my feet securely standing on the stone. I'm outside the confines of the railings, so if my hands get too sweaty and I slip, I'll be gone. I left my wand behind, so there's no chance of me saving myself.**

**There's a noise behind me- footsteps- and I whip my head around to see who it was.**

**Severus.**

“ **What are you doing here?” He looks at me blankly. “Leave! I can't do this while you're standing here!” He doesn't move. “Don't you understand? _I need this!_ ”**

**Slowly, he begins to walk backwards. He goes a few steps before turning and running away, and I hear him jogging down the steps.**

**I wait until I can no longer his his footsteps before letting my fingers begin to loosen. I lean backwards against the railing once more as my arms fall to my side, ready to step off the tower.**

Sirius jumped down, landing right in front of Remus, who grabbed his hands. They leaned out from each other, spinning around quickly, laughing as they did so.

**I remove a foot from the ledge, breathing heavily, feeling a hot tear trail over my cheek. I let it fall, feeling it land on my bare arm. A sob escapes my lips as I begin to lean out.**

Sirius's hands slipped out of Remus's, as he turned away, throwing up against the trunk he had been standing on. Remus's hands were immediately on his back and tucking his hair behind his ears so he didn't get vomit in it.

**I push off from the edge.**

Sirius choked as the vomit kept coming, he didn't hear the crowd gasping as someone pointed to the Astronomy Tower.

**The world seems to be in a weird mix of slow motion and hyper speed. I am falling so fast, so incredibly fast, and yet incredulously slowly all at once. I spin in mid air, the stars feel like they are surrounding me and the air feels thick, like water. The wind hurts my skin, and all I can think is _I'm sorry. I'm sorry._**

**_I'm sorry._ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry
> 
> Summary (no detail, just facts): While James, Sirius and Remus were at the party, Peter wrote a suicide note and went to the top of the Astronomy Tower. Severus saw him up there, but he left. At the party, Sirius announced that he's gay, and that he and Remus are together, he used the Sonorus charm so everyone could hear. That included Peter, who felt shitty because Sirius hadn't told him. Peter jumped off of the Astronomy Tower, killing himself.


	6. In Which Sofas Feature Heavily (in exactly the way you'd think)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;^) ←see that?? it's a smut warning lmao it'll pop up again just before it happens it's very long and detailed and when it's over there will be a ~~~ break
> 
> Also, there are brief mentions of Peter's death just after the smut. You can skip that bit too if you're really easily triggered, it's just Remus thinking for a bit.

Remus and Sirius were sitting in the Great Hall on Christmas Day. They were about a quarter of the way down the Gryffindor bench from the teachers, and were sitting opposite each other. Sirius had his legs crossed, and was leaning his cheek in his hand with his elbow on the table as he watched Remus speak.

"Tell me a joke, Remus." Sirius interrupted Remus's fascinating speech on the ramifications of Christmas trees, and how they were surprisingly dangerous.

Sighing, Remus retorted, "Were you not interested? You could have told me to stop at any point, you know."

Sirius smiled, reaching across the table to grasp Remus's arm gently. "Hey, that's not what I meant. I just wanted to keep the conversation within the Christmas spirit, not bashing it." Remus grinned, shaking his head slightly.

"Sorry. I'm being silly." He went on to try to push a Brussels sprout onto his fork several times, failing, and then failing to stab it as it rolled around. Giving up, he moved on to his parsnip.

They ate in silence for a few minutes before Remus piped up, "What's the most important part of your body at Christmas?" He winked, causing a red glow to spread up Sirius's neck.

"Umm-" He giggled, the blush continuing to grow- "I don't know?"

"Your mistle _toe_!" Remus emphasised the _toe_ , causing a chuckle to burst out of Sirius throat as he rolled his eyes. The giggle grew to a hearty laugh that erupted from his chest, becoming infectious as Remus couldn't hold back any more. Within moments, they had both put down their cutlery, and were gripping the side of the bench as they tried not to collapse with laughter.

After a minute or so of raucous sounds from their section of the table, they heard Dumbledore, who had recently been made headmaster and who was an exceedingly popular choice among every house except Slytherin, began to chuckle along with them. This cause a ripple effect, and soon, most of the mainly empty hall was joining in, even the ghosts.

Remus bit his lip, containing the sounds and looking right into Sirius's eyes. "I love you. You know that, right?"

Sirius sobered up, his laughter dying down into a grin. He would _never_ get used to the genuine tone Remus always used when he said that, and he would probably never feel like he could say it enough to Remus to make him deserve such a wonderful boyfriend.

He bit his lip, still smiling, feeling his eyes beginning to well up with tears. Nodding, he squeezed his eyes shut, a single tear slipping through his eyelids and dripping onto the wooden table. "Hey, don't cry, babe." Remus reached across the table, running his hand down from Sirius's shoulder to just above his elbow squeezing gently.

Sirius brought his hands up to his mouth, making a sort of triangle with them over his nose and lips, looking up and Remus and trying to hold back a sob. "I- I just, I-" He sighed with frustration at his tongue-tiedness. "I love you a lot."

With that, Remus stepped up onto the bench he was sitting on, putting a foot on the table cautiously, glancing over at the Professors' table to check if anyone was watching him. Only Dumbledore was, and he was about to step back down and just walk around to Sirius when he saw Dumbledore give him a slightly exaggerated wink. He smiled, shaking his head slightly, and stepping up onto the table on his tiptoes, manoeuvring his way across the short distance to Sirius without stepping in any plates or kicking any goblets off the table.

Hopping off the table, Remus sat down next to Sirius, his legs the foot-wide bench as he pulled Sirius to his chest, holding he hands around Sirius's head as he stroked his hair. Sirius weaved his arms under Remus's arms to wrap them around his chest, leaning fully into him and squeezing.

They sat like like this until the main course of food disappeared, and was replaced by the desserts.

Remus leaned back slightly so that he could plonk his chin on Sirius's shoulder, murmuring, "Do you want any, love? Or do you want to just go back to House and sit by the fire?"

Sirius nodded, which was a slightly ambiguous motion until he grabbed the biggest slice of brownie that he could see, wrapping it up in a napkin, and swinging his legs over the bench, moving away from Remus to avoid kicking him. He stood up, offering his hand to the younger boy, who took it, interlacing their fingers and swinging their hands gently as they shuffled out of the Great Hall.

_**;^)** _

The second that the Common Room door shut behind them, Sirius grabbed Remus's other hand as well, pulling him with him as he walked backwards. He sat in the middle of one of the sofas, pulling Remus down on top of him. Remus took the somewhat obvious hint, allowing his face to fall closer to Sirius's, their noses pressing against each other's as Remus allowed his hips to rest on Sirius's lap.

Sirius wrapped his hands around Remus's neck, pulling him closer to him as he bit at Remus's lower lip, pulling at it as Remus pulled away for a moment, flicking his gaze between Sirius's eyes and lips. He tangle his fingers in Sirius's hair, leaning back down to kiss him again, swiping his tongue across Sirius's bottom lip. He ran his fingers across the side of Sirius's throat, eliciting a moan from the older boy, and taking the opportunity to slip his tongue against Sirius's.

Remus gripped the sides of Sirius's waist, pulling them tightly together and rolling over so that Sirius was on top of him, allowing the older boy to grind on his lap and letting a moan slip out as he felt himself getting harder. Sirius grinned mid-kiss as he felt this, bringing his hands down: one to Remus's chest to keep himself upright, and the other further down to palm at Remus's growing bulge.

Sirius pulled back for a moment, gasping for air; Remus took the opportunity to fret about his boyfriend. "Are you sure you want to do this? We don't have to, I- I can, uh-" Sirius rudely interrupted him by kissing him once more.

"I'm sure." He nuzzled the younger boy's neck, flicking his tongue out to lick and bite at it. "It's not like I'm a massive virgin. And I'm ninety per cent sure you aren't, either."

Shaking his head, Remus opened his mouth, letting out a breathy moan as Sirius nibbled at the spot just above his collarbone, gripping at Sirius's hips as he did so.

"We don't need a condom, do we?" Sirius shook his head; he was on the pill to stop his periods and they had already discussed their STI situation, they were both free of everything.

Sirius shuffled backwards, causing friction that made Remus moan, his eyes drifting shut, before slipping off Remus's lap and onto his knees on the floor. Hooking his hands around Remus's knees, he tugged, Remus taking the hint and shuffling forwards to the edge of the sofa. Sirius immediately dived forwards, mouthing at Remus's crotch. The heat of Sirius's breath reached through Remus's jeans, causing the blond boy to gasp and bite his lip at the sensation of warmth.

Sirius's fingers worked their way up to the waistband of Remus's skinny jeans, tugging at the button, and then the fly, before pulling at them, trying to get them down. Remus lifted his hips, letting Sirius remove his jeans and boxers at once. The second they were around his ankles, Sirius had his warm hand wrapped around the base of his dick, and the tip of his tongue was trailing lightly up the underside, stopping just underneath the tip to gently suck at the sensitive patch. Remus could barely stop himself from bucking his hips up.

Remus took fistfuls of Sirius's hair as the older boy took his tip into his mouth, swirling his tongue while rotating his hand around the base. Remus gasped, gently moving his hips upwards, his head tilting backwards to lean on the back of the sofa. Sirius looked up as best as he could with Remus's dick between his lips, admiring the pretty picture that was being created above him: Remus's normally perfect hair was beginning to dampen, the front of his hair coming across his forehead as he gasped and bit his lip. His back was arched off the sofa as Sirius continued to bob up and down.

"Fuck, Sirius, I- ugh, you're gonna have to stop- I can't-" As soon as Remus let out the breathy little words, unable to form any complex sentences (or any proper sentences at all, really), Sirius pulled off, continuing to tug at Remus's dick with his hand as he stood to sit on Remus's knees. Feeling the older boy stand up, Remus removed his hands from Sirius's hair, opening his eyes to see Sirius sit on his lap once more.

He immediately tugged the zip on Sirius's jumper, pulling it down, pushing it off his shoulders and onto the floor, and pushing his hands up Sirius's T-shirt. Sirius's head was on Remus's shoulder, kissing at his neck. "Binder, Siri- it needs to come off."

Sirius nodded, knowing it was true. He sat up, pulling his T-shirt over his head before carefully removing the binder and putting it on the floor with Remus's trousers and underwear, and his own shirt and jumper. He then stood, allowing Remus to pull down his stupidly tight black jeans, shuffling out of his boxer briefs along with them. As he moved to sit back on Remus's lap, the younger boy took the opportunity to hurriedly remove his own shirt, flinging it onto the floor just in time for Sirius to attack his neck once more, grazing his teeth up Remus's throat and smiling as he felt the vibrations rise from his chest as Remus groaned.

"You're being too dom-y." Remus muttered, before grabbing Sirius's hips and twisting the both of them so that Remus was lying on top of Sirius horizontally on the sofa, with Sirius's shoulders on the arm of the sofa.

Remus immediately started to suck on Sirius's lips, grinding down onto him as he did so, Sirius letting out a strangled moan and rocking his own hips up to meet Remus's.

Remus gripped Sirius's hip, his fingernails digging in slightly, leaving little read marks, and trailed his lips down to Sirius's collarbone as Sirius gasped at the sensation. "Puh-" Sirius moaned, interrupting himself- "Please, Moony."

Remus removed his lips from Sirius's chest, looking up at him with dark eyes. "Please what, _doll?"_

Sirius bit his lip as Remus continued to grind down onto him. "Fuck- fuck me, please- please, Remus, please, just- _ugh!_ " Sirius yelled as Remus's hand found his clit in the middle of his sentence.

"As you wish." Remus leaned down again to kiss Sirius, biting his lower lip as he inserted two fingers into Sirius's vagina, still rubbing his thumb against Sirius's clit as they kissed. Sirius groaned against his lips, rocking down onto him, fairly used to this sensation from before he came out.

"Please- I need you, I-" Sirius whined as Remus removed his fingers, but wasn't disappointed for long, as Remus replaced his fingers with something a little bigger, slowly moving into Sirius. " _Shit_ you don't need to go slow, babe, I can handle it."

Remus lifted an eyebrow.

" _So needy, doll._ "

Within moments, Remus was thrusting faster and faster into Sirius, rolling his hips to touch everywhere he could inside Sirius, who was a squirming, moaning mess underneath him. Every now and then, Remus's hips would brush against Sirius's clit if he went particularly deep, causing low groans to erupt from Sirius's chest as he clawed at Remus's back, his hails dragging down Remus's spine, _hard_.

"Fuck, Sirius, I'm close." Sirius nodded, pulling Remus back down to kiss him again. Remus complied, his thrusts getting sloppier as he got closer. "Babe, I'm gonna- oh, _fuck!_ " Remus buried his head in Sirius's shoulder, biting down (much to Sirius's enjoyment, he was always a fan of biting) to stop himself from getting to loud as he let go inside Sirius, Sirius gasping and lifting his hips to meet Remus's as he did so.

Remus paused for a moment after he finished, before pulling out and wriggling down Sirius's sweaty body. He reached the older boy's fuzzy crotch before looking up at Sirius, winking, grinning, and beginning to lap at Sirius's clit, biting gently at his labia, causing the boy to squirm, pushing his hips down towards Remus's warm tongue. He was getting close, eyes squeezed shut, hands gripping at the sofa and mouth open with absolute pleasure: a picture that Remus would never get out of his head.

"Fuck- Remus, say something, I need to hear your voice," Sirius stuttered as he made his request, one hundred per cent _not_ expecting the words that Remus spoke.

" _Call me daddy_." Sirius's eyes burst open, going wide as he bit his lip.

"Fuck, I- _oh my-_ " Remus bit down on Sirius's clit gently while wiggling two fingers into his vagina to put pressure on his G-spot. Sirius was suddenly very glad that Remus was bisexual. "Jesus-" Needless to say, it was his turn to surprise Remus when he said his next words. "Choke me, daddy. Please, oh _Jesus, fuck_!"

Remus didn't miss a beat, snaking his hand up, spending a moment fiddling with one of Sirius's nipples before placing his hand gently over Sirius's throat. He knew Sirius could be kinky, but he hadn't expected this. Pulling a way for a second, he murmured, "you sure?" He waited long enough to see Sirius nod hurriedly before tightening his hand slightly, and a little more when he heard the little noise of pleasure that Sirius made in the back of his throat. Remus went back to fingering the older boy and playing with his clit between his teeth, not having to stretch his arm too much due to his lanky form.

Within a minute, Sirius was bucking his hips up into Remus's mouth, arching his back and squeezing his eyes tight, feeling contractions in his vagina and tummy as he came undone, letting out all his oxygen in one breath as Remus continued to squeeze his throat.

As he came, Remus loosened his grip on Sirius's throat slightly so as to avoid Sirius not getting enough oxygen but not letting go completely until Sirius's stomach had stopped visibly contracting with the throes of his orgasm.

Removing his fingers, Remus slid back up Sirius's body, rolling over onto his side so they were cuddling with their chests together and legs intertwined. Sirius's breathing was still heavy as he leaned his forehead against Remus's shoulder.

~~~

"I fucking love you," he panted, looking up into Remus's half-closed, sleepy eyes.

Remus hummed in response, before realising it had been nearly an hour, and the Christmas speeches would be almost over. "Babe, we need to get dressed. Others... back in here soon." Sirius just groaned, causing a chuckle to find its way out from between Remus's lips.

"I'll carry you?" Sirius nodded happily, nuzzling Remus's neck. "Not helpful," he laughed as he swung his legs over Sirius before picking him up bridal-style, carrying him up to the dorm that he, Sirius and James had been moved into after... Well, after _Peter_. McGonagall "didn't want anything worrying you, boys" so she moved them away from where their memories of him were.

If anything, in Remus's opinion at least, the move had caused more harm than good: they _wanted_ the memories of him, they wanted to be reminded of him, because the _missed_ him and while the memories hurt, and it hurt knowing they were all partially to blame (Sirius the least, of course, but he couldn't help but feel he hadn't done enough to help), it hurt more that people were trying to _stop_ them remembering one of their best fucking friends.

Remus lay Sirius down on his bed. James had accepted the fact that they were going to sleep in the same bed now that they felt free to (both because Peter wasn't going to judge them, and because anyone who walked in would already know about them after Sirius's drunken outburst), and Lily had even taken to sleeping in James's bed with him sometimes. Remus had noticed how _well_ they were getting on, but when she started coming in almost every day to stay the night, Remus _knew_ there had to be something going on.

He had confronted James about it, and apparently he'd asked her out the day that Peter... Well, since the incident, and honestly? Remus was just glad that he had someone to look after him. Not _like that_ , but just to be with him when he needed it. He knew that Sirius and himself were too busy making sure each other were okay to look after James particularly well.

Of course, the whole of Gryffindor had been hit, _hard_ , by Peter's death; they had all been extremely supportive and Remus, Sirius and James were so grateful. Remus knew they had all been scared that the house would avoid them, or think they'd do the same soon, or judge them for not noticing and trying to help Peter, but they had all been nothing but _lovely_.

Remus headed back down to the common room in a fresh pair of boxers to retrieve his and Sirius's clothes after pulling on a fresh pair of boxers, wandering down the corridor deep in thought. It was only when he had collected the clothes and opened the door at the end of the hall that he realised he had walked back to their old room, not the new one.

Still, he shut the door behind him, not worried about leaving Sirius for a minute; not really even thinking about Sirius, he was too deep in memories as he carefully sat on Peter's bed. He was cautious, placing his hands down either side of his hips just before he reached the soft material.

Looking around, he realised that the house elves had kept everything neat in the room. There was no dust, and the fire in the centre of the room was hot: they had lit it overnight, so there were no flames left, but the house elves' fires were charmed to burn slower than Muggle fires.

Remus had dropped the pile of clothes by the door, and he suddenly felt like he had disturbed a memorial: perfectly preserved since the day they took all their belongings to the new room. Sure, the house elves had kept the room dust-free and warm, but it still looked _lived in_ , even if there were no personal belongings there.

Actually, Remus realised, he was lying.

Peter's parents had never taken all his things home, so anything that the others hadn't wanted to take as a memento of their friend had been left here. Remus opened Peter's old trunk, seeing that it was still full of his clothes. He dug through with his hands, wondering what was in here: they hadn't looked through when he died, not wanting to intrude on his personal space, and simply taking anything that had been strewn across the room.

About halfway into the trunk, Remus came across something hard. His eyes had been closed, but he opened them, seeing that it was a large book. Frowning, confused, he pulled out the leather-bound object, flipping open the cover to see that it was a photo album.

It seemed to be comprised of photos of important events or moments in Peter's life: a photo of him on the day he was born, in his mother's arms while she smiled weakly, his father standing next to her, grinning proudly with one hand on his mother's shoulder. Their smiles brightened when they saw Remus, waving a little until he turned the page. Birthday photos, a trip to an aquarium, a friend's party... The first day of Hogwarts. That one caught Remus's eye; he scrutinised the photo of Peter waving at the camera from a carriage window.

In the background, Remus could just about see himself and Sirius- Serena at the time, before Sirius knew why he felt so uncomfortable with his body, name and _everything_ \- leaning across the compartment, grinning at each other and rolling their eyes at the enthusiastic young boy. Remus smiled when he realised James wasn't in the compartment. _He was always late for the train. Every year until last year, he got on just as the doors began to close. Fucking idiot._

Flipping the page a few more times, he came across a photo that he himself had taken of Peter, James and Sirius on their first Christmas at Hogwarts. It was Second Year, and they decided they were _adults_ , and didn't need their parents on Christmas Day. It was more a form of teenage rebellion than wanting to stay with each other, but Remus found himself wishing that someone else had taken that photo so that he could see them all smiling together. _They look so fucking young. So... Sweet. My sweet little dudes._

Remus gazed at the photo for a few more seconds before slamming the album shut. He closed the trunk before getting up off his knees next to the trunk, picking up the clothes from by the door, and wandering back to the new room.

Entering the room, he saw that Sirius was sitting up, frowning, and looking around nervously. He let out an audible sigh of relief as Remus entered the room.

"I thought you'd left me." He chuckled nervously before spotting the heavy book in Remus's hand. "What's that?"

Remus sat next to his boyfriend in the bed, tucking himself under the covers with Sirius. "Photo album of Peter's. I took a detour into the old room when I went to get the clothes- it's still how we left it, the house elves are keeping the fire lit and _everything_ \- and I found this in Peter's trunk."

"Care to share?" Remus smiled gently, placing the album over both of their laps, and they spent the next two hours alone in bed, chuckling at stupid photos of James pulling faces and at all the memories they had forgotten.

Needless to say, by the time they reached the final photo- one that Sirius had asked McGonagall to take of their whole Transfiguration class in their first lesson of the year, Sirius had his head on Remus's shoulder, and tears were quietly meandering down each boy's cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer than usual because I didn't want more than half to be smut. The thing with going to their old room wasn't planned, it just happened without me realising what I was writing so I went with it lmao random inspiration I guess but yeah
> 
> Just fyi the smut was 1,706 words long, which is almost exactly three pages on my writer on size 12 font -bows-
> 
> Lex xo


	7. In Which House Elves Walk In On Moonstar

Sirius's birthday had been ruined by the events of Halloween, since his birthday was three days after and he, James and Remus hadn't been particularly talkative. Because of this, Sirius was understandably quite envious when the boys were in Hogsmeade together and James was looking for a present to give Lily for her birthday on Wednesday.

Apparently, James was completely unable to shop by himself, and decided that Remus and Sirius would know exactly what to get a girl for her birthday. Of course, he disregarded the fact that they weren't exactly in the realms of females at the minute, insisting that they were perfect shopping buddies.

However, the three friends were currently in Honeydukes, and James was beginning to regret his decision to stick with Remus and Sirius: the boys had been particularly public recently, and the PDA was getting out of control, so James wasn't particularly impressed when they had immediately bought a bunch of strawberry laces and started eating them like spaghetti. It wasn't even like they were trying to make the kisses look like accidents: Sirius kept just handing Remus the other end of the only lace his was holding.

James rolled his eyes, leaving them to be cute little fuckers in the corner as he looked through the stock, trying to find something with a heart on. He had looked through all the chocolates, finding nothing, before spotting the shelf of cakes.

A witch who seemingly worked in Honeydukes approached him. She was probably in her mid-thirties, with rectangular glasses and a welcoming grin. "We offer those cakes in other sizes and shapes, and with personalised messages, if you're interested." She pushed her glasses up her nose, talking a little too quickly, but very enthusiastically.

James smiled back at her. "Actually, these are perfect." He thought for a moment. "Do you sell, like, heart-shaped ones?"

The woman nodded excitedly. "Ooooh! For a lovely lady, I presume?" She giggled.

"Yeah."

"And what message would you like, young man? It can be ready in a few hours, yes it can!"

"Uh." James hadn't thought that far ahead, and suddenly wished that his 'shopping buddies' weren't so useless. "I don't know. Maybe just ' _happy birthday Lily_ '?"

James forgot that he should be careful what he wished for, as he felt a sudden, strong force on his shoulders. Sirius had jumped up behind him, putting his weight on James's shoulders as he landed. "That's _boring_ , Prongs. Howe about, ' _Fuck me in the arse and call me yours_ '?"

"Or," Remus chimed in, "' _if I can't have perfection, you'll do_ '."

James shook his head, closing his eyes. "You guys suck."

"Yep!"

"'Course we do. Jesus, don't be so judgy."

James sighed, looking back at the poor attendant. "Can I just get one that says, ' _Happy birthday_ '?"

"Of course you can, young man, that'll be ready in just a few hours." The witch grinned at the three boys before scuttling off, presumably to place James's order.

"Right, let's go." James began to lead Remus and Sirius out of the shop; they were grinning at each other and giggling like five-year-olds. "Wankers."

__**~~~  
  
** "We should get going back up to the castle soon."

James nodded. "Sure. Can we just go back to Honeydukes first? Need to collect that fucking cake."

"You know it's customary to get her a proper present, too? Like, something that won't be gone within minutes?"

"Are you calling my girlfriend greedy?" James retorted, looking personally offended at Sirius's comment.

"Piss off, prick. Let's go." The boys stood from their table at the Three Broomsticks, Sirius leading the way back to the sweet shop.

As they entered, the witch who had taken James's order rushed up to them, looking somewhat apologetic. "I'm so sorry, boys, but I couldn't remember which message you wanted on the cake, so I just chose the only one I could remember properly, I hope it's the right one, I'm sure she'll love it. That'll be fifteen sickles, thank you, Sirs."

James chuckled at her nervousness, tipping a handful of silver coins into her hand. "Cheers." Taking the box, he continued, "Ready to go, guys?" He looked over his shoulder to see that Sirius and Remus were already rushing out of the sweet shop. Sighing, he looked back at the smiling woman. "Thanks."

As he left the shop, he watched with disdain while Sirius leapt onto Remus's back. Remus looked surprised at his action, but proceeded to gallop like a horse as soon as he processed the extra weight, Sirius giggling loudly and biting his lip.

_If Lily and I ever end up that close and that comfortable with each other that we can randomly jump on each other_ , James thought, _it'll be the best day of my life._ "Guys, slow the fuck down!" James yelled, igniting some particularly vicious glares from several old women, and running after his friends.

Sirius looked back as James hurried towards them, before shouting at Remus to "go the fuck faster". Remus complied for a few minutes, almost leaving James behind before he was worn out, slowing to a walk, and then stopping. He bent over so that Sirius could slid off his back, and they both turned around to watch as James struggled after them, panting.

"You absolute fuckers."

~~~  
  
Three days had passed since James had purchased Lily's somewhat half-arsed birthday present, and the unopened box had been sitting on his bedside table since.

"James," Sirius started. "Have you even checked that it's the right cake? What if you got some other poor sod's cake?"

James rolled his eyes at Sirius's carefulness, knowing he just cared. He hopped off his position sitting on the end of his bed, stepping across to the wooden cabinet, plucking the cake box from its place. James plonked himself back down in the centre of his bed, sitting cross-legged as he began to lift the lid.

Sirius jumped over to him, sitting behind him on the bed and peeking over his shoulder. Remus was doing work in the common room, but Sirius was sure he would've done the same thing.

As James opened the box, he let out a horrified gasp. "What the _fuck_ did you do, Sirius?"

Sirius threw his hands over his mouth to stop himself from laughing too much as he read the message that was carefully written in beautiful pink cursive on top of a layer of light yellow icing. _'If I can't have perfection, you'll do'_ , followed by a little heart. "I _can't_ give her this, you wanker, Sirius!"

"It wasn't me, oh God." Sirius giggled breathily. "That one was Remus's idea."

"You guys are practically the same person. A hive mind. What one thinks, the other says. So shut up with your innocent act."

Sirius hopped off the bed, still chuckling, and wandered towards the door, turning to look back at James on the way to poke his tongue out at the distraught boy.

"What the hell am I going to do, Sirius?" James yelled after Sirius, but it was too late: as the door closed, he watched Sirius as he skipped along the corridor towards the common room. " _Fuck_."

Sirius slowed to a walk, tiptoeing over to Remus, who was hunched over a sheet of parchment that was on a little table. As he approached him, Sirius grabbed Remus's shoulders, causing the younger boy to yelp and jump, his shoulders racking up as Sirius touched them.

"Chill, love." Sirius leaned over Remus's shoulders, kissing his cheek. "Hey, I'll help." Sirius leapt over the back of the sofa that Remus was sitting on, landing in the gap between Remus and the cushions. He set his legs so that there was one either side of Remus's waist, kneeling up so that his head was above Remus's. Sirius began to rub Remus's shoulders, pressing a prolonged kiss to the top of his head, burying his nose in Remus's soft hair, inhaling the smell of peach emanating from the gentle curls.

Remus leaned his head back into Sirius's chest, moaning softly as Sirius worked away at his shoulders. "Thank you." Sirius smiled, lifting his hands from Remus's shoulders, and swung his left leg around Remus so he was sitting next to him.

The boys rested their heads against each other's, closing their eyes and just breathing together. The sides of their bodies were flush against each other, from their shoulders to elbows to their interlaced fingers to their thighs and knees and calves.

Sometimes, that was all either of them needed.

The Common Room was still fairly noisy: it was only half past eight, so no one had gone to bed. There was a general chattering around Remus and Sirius, the population of Gryffindor being particularly chirpy today, but Remus and Sirius were in their own little world, only them, with nothing outside of their bubble affecting anything in this moment. All either boy wanted right now was the other.

"I love you, Pads."

Sirius nodded: "I know." Because he did know. He knew how much he meant to Remus, and, if he were being honest with himself, he would admit that Remus's love for him, and his own for Remus, had been all the kept him going recently.

It wasn't as if anyone was being particularly nasty to him- except for the occasional uneducated arsehole. Sirius just felt emptier than he used to, and he hated it, but it seemed that he could fill this... _void_ , by putting his entire essence into Remus.

"I love you, too, Moony." Sirius turned his head and spoke before he got too caught up in his thoughts, facing Remus as he breathed the few words that needed to be said. That he wanted to say.

Smiling, Remus caught sight of Sirius gazing up at him in the corner of his eye, glancing down at him to grin. He had intended to look away again, to go back to staring into the fire, but found his attention had been totally and utterly captured by Sirius's silvery eyes. Remus pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, unable to look away from Sirius's features, his gaze roaming over his eyes, cheekbones, chin, jawline, eyebrows, _lips_ , oh, God, his fucking _lips_ would be the death of Remus Lupin.

"I love you."

"I love you."

Sirius grinned. "I love _you_."

Remus flicked Sirius's nose. " _Boop._ I win. Love you."

The couple burst out into giggles, with both boys' eyes flickering between the other's lips and eyes, each waiting for the other to make a move. After an agonizing twenty seconds, both boys having turned their torsos to face each other, Remus trailed his fingertips up Sirius arm in infinitesimal movements, eventually reaching the curve of Sirius's neck. He moved his hand around to cup the back of Sirius's neck, before leaning forwards, allowing their noses to bump together as he got closer.

As their lips brushed together, Sirius couldn't help but smile: his heart still beat out of his chest when they got this close, his stomach erupting with butterflies that were more like dragons, and he could always feel his cheeks burn as their lips touched.

Their kiss was brief, but very much needed, and was followed by Sirius curling up in Remus's lap, his head resting on the younger boy's chest as he drifted off to sleep once more.

Remus sighed as Sirius went out like a light: they had only been in this position for a few minutes when Sirius's breathing had calmed and lightened, his head completely resting on Remus's lap. Remus stroked his hair, tucking it behind his hair, while wondering if there was any possible way of continuing his Potions essay without disturbing Sirius.

He attempted to shuffle sideways while pulling Sirius with him, as if Sirius were a cat, but as soon as he began to move, Sirius groaned, gripping onto Remus's legs to stop him moving any further. _Damn it._ Remus leaned carefully over the sleeping boy, grabbing the parchment he had been writing on and putting it down on the sofa next to him, beginning to write once more.

It was tricky, though, with the softness of the surface he was writing on, and the warmth of Sirius's body head was seeping through the material of their clothes: it was only around eight, but the weight of Sirius's head and the warmth of his arms over Remus's legs had a very soporific effect. Remus could feel himself giving in to the idea of an early night, and simply getting up before everyone else so he could finish the essay to give in first period, and before long, his eyes were closing and his head was drooping forwards as he drifted gently to sleep.

~~~  
  
Remus awoke to the sounds of the house elves trying to quietly relight the fire without disturbing the two boys.

It was clearly early morning- the house elves tended to come at around five- and the pair had ended up curled up at opposite ends of the sofa, with their arms around each other's chests so that they interlocked like Yin and Yang.

As Remus raised his head to peer over Sirius's shaggy black hair, he caught one of the house elves's eye. "Very sorry, Sir, our apologies for the disturbance, should we leave, Sir, we can come back while everyone is away."

"No, it's, uh- s'fine, I'll just, um, go. Sorry." Remus stumbled over his words, poking at Sirius's shoulder. The older boy groaned at the intrusion, wiggling around. As Remus sat up, Sirius twisted over onto his back, leaning his head on Remus's lap. "Sorry, we'll just be a moment." The house elf nodded cautiously, going back to dusting the top of the fireplace. "Sirius, c'mon, buddy. Time to get up."

"Nooo..."

"You can go back to sleep once we're in the room, Pads." Remus encouraged, eliciting only a shaking of the head from Sirius. "For Merlin's sake, love, we need to go."

"Mmm."

"Fine. Have it your way."

Remus stood, lifting Sirius's head in his hands and resting it back on the sofa as he did so, before pushing one hand under Sirius's knees and one under his back, lifting him up once more. _I swear to God, it's like this boy can't move by himself._

"Thank... you, Reemy."

"Never call me that again," Remus chastised, his heart fluttering a little despite himself at the name.

As Remus stumbled into their dorm, the pale, sleepy boy in his arms, James sat up on his bed, his arms folded. "This time, you were lucky, Remus."

"What do you mean?" Remus questioned, frowning.

"Lily thought the cake was bloody hilarious. Didn't think twice about it. Figured it was witty. Thank Merlin she doesn't have low self esteem."

"Wait, what did it say?"

"Remember the oh-so-charming suggestion you made in Honeydukes?" Remus's mouth formed an o-shape as he realised just what that meant. "Yeah, you arseholes ruined the cake. Any other girl would've been _pissed_ , I swear."

Sirius shifted in Remus's arms, prompting the tall boy to put him down on his bed. _Remus's_ _bed_. "No..." Sirius yawned. "No harm done, you prick." He curled up into a little boy; Remus watched, melting inside. "Don't be mean, Prongs."

Remus sighed, sitting down next to his boyfriend. "Honestly, James, you don't give her enough credit. She puts up with your shit the rest of the time, it's not lie she's going to break up with you _just_ because you gave her a joke present."

Groaning, James conceded. "You're right, mate, but _seriously_ , can you just _not_ do this next year?"

"'Course, Prongs." Remus grinned, curling up next to Sirius. "Go back to sleep, you need it. Staying up for us, you weirdo."

James flopped back down on his bed with such force that he bounced several times before he stilled. "You know it." He paused. "Wanna skip out on today?"

"You realise we go to a boarding school? The only thing we can do is go to the Forest or some shit."

"Sounds good to me."

"Mmm."

Sirius turned in Remus's arms, which were encircling his waist. "Can we?" He pouted at him with his eyes shut, smiling as Remus kissed his forehead, sighing.

"If you really want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this fic is literally all fluff I swear lmao
> 
> I didn't realise how long it had been 
> 
> This chapter was hard to write idk why haha
> 
> In other news there's this rlly attractive Russian guy in the production of Animal Farm I'm in (he plays Squealer & I'm Clover) and there's this scene where he like proper pushes up against me full on his chest against my back and his hands on my shoulders and he's all intimidating and I'm quite pLz
> 
> K bye
> 
> Lex xo


	8. In Which There Are Many Tensions

Looking over at Remus and winking, Sirius stood from the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, addressing his friends.

"I don't feel too good, guys: maybe it was the eggs. I'm gonna go to the hospital wing for a bit." James nodded sympathetically, Lily imitating his movements.

"Want me to take you, love?" Remus looked up at Sirius, 'sympathetically', waiting for Sirius to nod before jumping up from the bench with far too much enthusiasm for someone whose boyfriend was claiming to be sick. "Might to try to get Pomfrey to let me stay with Padfoot for moral support, you know?"

"Yeah, of course." James smiled up at Remus gently, before flicking his gaze to Sirius, who had somehow become convincingly pale. "Hope you're okay, mate."

James and Lily went back to eating their breakfasts (James had bacon, and for some reason Lily had soup like fucking always. The boys did not understand her love for it, or even where she got it from: they couldn't even see it on the table most days), chattering away about hand lotions. Sirius suspected that the two used them for vastly different reasons, but Lily didn't appear to have realised this.

The younger of the two took his boyfriend's hand in both of his own, comfortingly, before leading him out of the hall.

The second they were out of the Great Hall, and the doors had shut behind them, Sirius tore one of Remus's hands off his own so that Remus was holding one of his hands in each of his own, before the couple burst into (manly as fuck) giggles. They ended up leaning their heads on each other's shoulders, their chest racking up and down as they laughed.

If either of them were to be completely honest with themselves, there was literally no reason for them to be laughing: they had deceived their friends and were going to spend the day in what was currently the most dangerous place on the grounds, but they both felt like they needed to laugh and so they did, because sometimes it's either you laugh or you cry, and the whole reason that they were skipping out for the day was that neither of them were feeling too great recently and so if they hadn't been laughing, they probably would have been sobbing instead.

After a few minutes, the boys sobered up, realising that James and Lily could exit the Great Hall at literally any moment and they'd look like a pair of absolute wankers. So, they drew apart slightly, Sirius refusing to let go of one of Remus's hands, clutching on as if Remus were his lifeline. The slightly bedraggled, exhausted boys pushed open the main doors, walking down the path that lead to the edge of the grounds in near silence, occasionally bumping shoulders as if to confirm that the other was still there.

As they began to approach the forest, Sirius pulled Remus off the path, spinning so that he was walking backwards and facing Remus, causing a grin to erupt on Remus's face at the sight of Sirius's hair blowing around his face in the wind. Sirius spun himself around into Remus's arms, twirling by bringing Remus's arm above his head. Giggling as he and Sirius collided, Remus pressed a kiss to the top of Sirius's head, and they reached the forest walking pressed completely against each other, with Remus's chest pressing against Sirius's back.

Remus turned himself and Sirius around once they were a few metres into the forest, out of sight to those in the castle, and pulled away slightly so that he could slide his back down the grating bark of one of the old trees.

Smirking, Sirius swivelled himself around in his position standing between Remus's bent knees, before dropping to the floor and sitting with a foot either side of Remus's hips, allowing Remus's legs to surround his own. He leaned forwards, allowing his forehead to flop on Remus's shoulder, provoking Remus to wrap his arms around Sirius's upper body. Turning to face the older boy, Remus leaned on Sirius's head, bringing the two of them as close together as they could be.

"Thank you," Sirius paused, taking a breath. "For this. I know you're not the biggest fan of skipping out."

Twisting his head, Remus kissed Sirius's ear. "No problem, love," he murmured, smiling gently as he pressed his lips to Sirius's jaw. "You know I just want to help you stay happy."

Sighing happily, Sirius wriggled slightly, pulling himself further into Remus's chest.

"Thank you." He finally whispered after a few minutes' silence.

The boys sat in this position, mumbling occasional words to each other as they breathed and sat.

~~~  
  
" _Lily!_ No one comes here, no one's going to know you were here, I swear!"

Sirius looked up at Remus, frowning as Severus's voice echoed through the Forest. "What the fuck are _they_ doing here?"

"I guess, but- _ugh!_ I just don't need to get in trouble again, Sev."

"But it's _important_ , Lils, I _can't_ tell anyone else."

Their footsteps crunched along the twigs and leaves on the forest floor as Lily and Severus walked further through the trees. The boys couldn't see them, but they had to have been close due to the clarity of their voices.

"Fucking _fine_ , just- oh my god, Sev, be quick, I'm not getting in shit for this." The boys heard Severus groan in frustration as Lily spoke, before their footsteps stopped and there was a shuffling sound: Lily and Severus turning to face each other.

"So, basically- well-" Severus stuttered out his words, struggling to work out why he was making such a stupid decision. "Promise you won't get mad, Lily, please." Lily rolled her eyes, folding her arms and huffing as she nodded. "I- well, I was there when Peter died."

" _What the fuck?"_ Lily's eyes went wide, and as if on reflex, she stepped forwards, reaching out to slap Severus, backhanded. Sirius gasped gently at the sound, breathing "nice one" as quietly as possible.

"Look, you don't understand, I was terrified of telling anyone, because the thing is, he, um. Well."

"Spit it the _fuck_ out, Sev, because I am _this_ close to hitting you again and getting the fuck out of this creepy fucking forest." Remus had to clap a hand over Sirius's mouth at the pathetic little giggle that fell from between his lips.

"Heleftanoteanditookitandididn'ttellanyoneandifeelfuckingawfullikepleasedon'tbe-"

"Slow the fuck down, you absolute twat. Chill."

Drawing a deep breath, Severus continued. "Peter left a, uh- a _suicide note_ , I guess, and, well, since I was the only one there, I was the one who picked it up, and-"

"What the _fuck,_ Severus? You had a fucking note this whole damn time and you couldn't grow the _fucking balls_ to tell us about it?" Lily's voice rose as she spoke, echoing through the forest- evidently she had forgotten about not wanting to be caught. "We were his _best fucking friends_ and you were such a _coward_ that you didn't give it to you?"

"I was getting there; please don't be mad, Lils." Severus frowned, looking down at his feet and scuffing his toes against the debris of the forest floor. "I was _scared_. I've always been scared of your little clique, I know they all fucking hate me, so I-"

"Oh, and this was the way to make them like you?" Lily huffed, jutting a hip out and resting her hands on her waist. "Way to fucking go."

"Okay, you know what?" Severus stepped towards Lily, forcing her to stumble backwards slightly. "I know that hiding this was wrong of me, do you think I haven't torn myself apart about it?"

Lily was silent. "But you know what, Lils? I'm trying to make it better, and I'd really fucking appreciate it if you shut up and _let me explain_." When Lily remained silent, Severus composed himself, breathing deeply before continuing.

"So, in this _note_ , Peter spews this shit about how you guys all being wankers to him. Not you, of course, and Sirius doesn't seem to blame, but James? He had a massive part in this whole thing. _Apparently_ , Peter had the biggest crush on him for years, and all James did, _constantly_ , was take the piss out of him. He couldn't handle it, I guess."

Lily sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, causing Severus to look away at a particularly fascinating tree just behind her. "Can I, um. Can I see it?"

Severus nodded vigorously, digging around in his surprisingly deep pockets before thrusting it in Lily's direction, pushing it into her hands as if he were desperate to get rid of it. "Be my guest."

Severus studied Lily's face and body as she read the letter: she slouched as she got further into the letter, a stray tear dripping off her cheekbone as she neared the end. The writing was a barely legible scrawl, and hell, Severus hadn't even known the guy, but he had been near tears when he read it over and over, nigh on obsessively.

It's an odd thing to obsess over a stranger's death, but Severus had found himself fascinated about Peter's over the weeks. There was just _something_ about the fact that he had been the last person to see the boy- at least _alive_ \- and that this note had been _his_ little secret. A dirty secret, but his own all the same.

"This- I-" Lily tilted her head back with her eyes closed in frustration at the tears choking up her throat, making it burn and stopping her from speaking. "James needs to, uh- he needs to see this."

"I know." Nodding, Severus turned to leave the forest, allowing Lily to trail behind him, clasping the parchment between her shaking fingers. "You have it now. It's not my concern what you do with it; he was your friend."

As the pair walked away from the forest, Sirius cupped his mouth with his hands, closing his eyes. He could feel a sob growing in his chest, although his eyes and mouth were totally dried out.

His shoulders began to rack, and all Remus could do was wrap his extraordinarily long arms around Sirius's chest, pulling them close together and soothing him, trailing his fingers lightly up and down the older boy's spine as he sobbed.

~~~  
  
When the boys entered their dormitory after lessons finished that day, they were met by the sight of James striding around the room, a crumpled piece of parchment, covered in writing that looked like a spider walked all over it, lying on his bed.

Spinning around to face the boys, James confronted them. "Did you guys _fucking_ know about this? Because it's absolute _bullshit_. What gave fucking Snivelly the right to keep this from us? _Especially if the boy fucking fancied me!_ How the fuck was I meant to figure that one out?" He paused. "Mother _fucker_."

Remus and Sirius watched him sombrely, letting him get it out. "Wait, why aren't you surprised?"

He looked between them, frowning confusedly for a moment before it clicked. "You fucking _knew_! How long have you known without telling me, huh? Am I just _unworthy_ of knowing that I'm the whole fucking reason my best friend killed himself? Is that it?"

"Mate," Remus stepped forwards, knowing that Sirius was too emotional to deal with this today, and placed his hand on James' arm, which was immediately flung backwards and out of his grip. "We only found out today; we heard Sev telling Lily about it, in the..." He sighed. "In the forest."

James looked up at the ceiling, beginning to pace again and shaking his head. "I'm gonna kill him." He sat down defeatedly on his bed, flopping backwards. "I will kill that fucking bastard."

Sirius stood by the door, ready to flee if needs be, allowing Remus to talk James out of his head.

Remus stepped over to James gently, lowering himself to sit next to him on his bed. "Prongs, it's not your fault. It was all of us; we're all to blame."

Biting his lip, Sirius stepped forwards: that wasn't right. "No, Remus. We're not all to blame." Remus's head shot up, his eyes wide, confused as to what Sirius's tactic was and how the hell it would help calm the boy down. "None of us made him kill himself, Prongs. I don't know what was going on in his head, but he must have had something going on, because I _refuse_ to believe that any of us are to blame for his death."


	9. In Which Everything Goes Extraordinarily Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for violence in this chapter, it starts off like a duel but gets nasty. I'll put :(:( when the bad part is about to happen and :):) when it's over. Be safe xo

James strode across the courtyard towards Severus, his wand clutched so tightly in his fist that his knuckles were white; his jaw was locked shut and a frown detailed his features. He had spotted the older boy sitting on the bench through a window while he was coming down from Charms, and, being an extremely angsty teenager, he was filled with impulsive rage at the student.

"What the _fuck_ did you think you were doing?"

As Severus looked up at this and saw James stomping towards him with his eyes fixated on him, he stood, pushing his books off his lap and onto the bench next to him. He began to gather his belongings into his arms, but as he turned to walk away, James was only a few paces away.

"What the hell gave you the fucking _right_ to keep something like that from us?" James stopped a few inches from Severus, their noses almost touching (which, given the size of Severus's, wasn't much of an achievement). "We were his _best fucking friends_ , you absolute wanker!"

Severus snorted, stepping forwards and forcing James back, gaining a little power. "Some 'best friend' you were, James. What sort of best friend is the reason someone kills themselves, huh?"

Halfway through Severus's sentence, James had raised his left hand, leaving his right hand and wand at his side, curling his fingers into a tight fist and striking Severus's face, colliding with the gently protruding cheekbone. Stumbling backwards, Severus brought his hand to his face on instinct, prodding at his cheek before looking at his hand to check whether he was bleeding: he seemed okay so far.

As Severus was recovering, James had brought his wand up to point at the raven-haired boy, muttering "stupefy". Severus heard James speak, grabbing his wand from his pocket and crying, "protego" in time to bounce the spell away from him.

James stepped backwards, walking the pair into the centre of the courtyard and screaming _crucio_ at the wide-eyed boy opposite him. Severus jumped to the side, too scared in that moment to do anything that wasn't defensive.

James continued to shoot spells at Severus, who worked up the nerve to fight back, using a few spells in retaliation. After a few minutes, Lily ran into the courtyard, having heard James shouting spells at her friend. As she entered the courtyard, she began to call out to the duelling boys, her voice desperate and cracking at the pressure she was putting her vocal chords under.

" _Merlin-_ please, James, _please stop!_ Sev, you're smarter than this, come _on_ , Sevvie!"

James whipped his head around as he heard Lily's voice, sneering as he heard her nickname for Severus. "Really, Lily? _Sevvie_?" He shook his head, turning back to Severus as she approached them quickly.

_**:(:(** _

" _Fucking stop_ , guys this is ridiculous, you're not solving-"

" _Avada kedavra-_ "

"Anything!"

Mid sentence, Lily jumped between the boys, staring James straight in the face as his eyes widened, unable to stop his lips moving as he finished the hex, entirely helpless to stop the words falling from his lips.

The spell hit Lily with unimaginable force, pushing her backwards and up into the air, falling straight into Severus and forcing him to the ground underneath her; her wand fell from her grasp, rolling across the courtyard. Severus audibly let out a heavy breath of air, the sound of the oxygen leaving his lungs eerily loud as he collapsed beneath the redhead.

" _Lily?_ " James stumbled over to Lily's body, pulling her up into a sitting position, which allowed Severus to shuffle backwards so that he was no longer underneath her. "Shit, Lily, please don't fucking die, I'm so sorry, love, I'm so _fucking_ sorry-" James's words disintegrated into a jumbling mess of syllables and sounds as he began to sob, his face buried in her shoulder.

As James inhaled her scent, taking in Lily's warmth for the final time, Severus crawled a few metres to the left, grabbing at Lily's wand. Picking it up and clutching it between his fingers, Severus rose, striding a few steps back across to the pair on the ground. When he reached them, Severus knocked James to the ground with his foot, the younger boy falling on the floor with ease, his arms stretched out as if he were being crucified.

He was still in tears, his chest jolting up and down with every intake of breath, and shuddering back down as he let it out.

"You killed her. You _killed_ Lily!"

James shook his head, curling up into foetal position on his side, forcing his face into his knees and refusing to accept that he caused his own damn girlfriend's death.

"You did, James, you fucking did it. I always knew you were a complete tosser, but I didn't have you pegged as an idiot and a _murderer_."

It was all James could do to calm his breathing and sit up, shuddering, in an attempt to regain some of the confidence he usually gave off. He stared at Severus as the older boy muttered his next words, still grasping Lily's wand.

" _Septum sempra_."

James's whole body jolted as the spell blasted from Lily's wand, hitting him right in the chest. His legs and arms convulsed, making him look like a puppet as he squirmed around on the floor, helplessly wriggling as his skin was cut and wounded. His blood seeped from the gaps in his skin like lava oozing and dribbling from the mouth of a volcano: it was a slow, lazy flow, but undeniably violent and dangerous.

Severus dropped Lily's wand next to her corpse, not wishing to watch as blood gushed from James's throat, choking him as he bled out on the cold, stone ground. Severus's own wand was back in his pocket, leaving no proof that he had been the one to kill James: with the death curse on James's wand and _septum sempra_ on Lily's, it would look like they had done each other in.

_**:):)** _

And with that, Severus picked up his books from the bench, and walked calmly back to the Slytherin common room, where he proceeded to continue his studies.

~~~  
  
  


After Lily and James's joint funeral, which had been held on school grounds on February 26th, Remus had yet another problem arising due to the situation: Lily was no longer around to brew the potions to make his changes more bearable, and neither Sirius nor himself could successfully make it. With this new issue arising, and only one more dose of the potion left over, Remus was more nervous about changing than ever before.

More than that, though, Remus was worried about Sirius: the boy had sunk further into a mess of depression than Remus had ever seen him in before, and it _terrified him_. He was sure that Sirius wouldn't jump off the tower like Peter had, but after the loss of three of their best friends, how could he be certain of anything any more?

And so, Remus had spent the last few weeks taking care of Sirius and making sure he had everything he needed. McGonagall had tried to tell him that he needed to look after himself before Sirius- she had even tried giving him self-care tips- but even she knew, if she were honest with herself, that Remus would always look after his boyfriend above his own well-being.

Both Remus and Sirius were well aware that they were living in a state dangerously close to total codependency: both wanted to make sure the other was okay, with little to no regard for their own mental state, but, honestly? They both felt that this was what they needed to get over their losses, and if it was helping both of them, than neither of the couple could see what was wrong about it.

Perhaps it was too early to decide if their growing codependency was a good thing or a bad thing; perhaps they should both have been more careful in case something wedged its way between them; _perhaps_ whether it was a good thing or a bad thing was completely irrelevant as long as nothing went wrong.

"Babe, are you achy?" Sirius stroked his hand through Remus's pale hair, looking into his eyes as he spoke. "Need to go to the hospital wing or anything?" He was aware of the time of month, and yet more aware that the full moon was coming up.

And yet, Remus shook his head: steadfast in his determination to remain with Sirius until he was happier again. "I'll be fine, just a bit... Yeah, achy. It's bearable, though, don't worry about it."

Sirius smiled weakly, leaning his head forward to kiss Remus's nose. "Okay, love."

Until recent events, Sirius had found it nigh on impossible to sit still for any extended amount of time: hell, even when he was waiting for sleep to overcome his body, he would fidget, never comfortable, but now, with his energy having been drained and his mood consistently deteriorating, he could lie with Remus on their bed for hours.

And they regularly did. They had the dormitory to themselves, now- without James there to alter their potentially rash decision, Remus and Sirius had moved back to their original dorm: the one that Peter had been in with them. As a matter or respect, they hadn't moved any of Peter's shit, of course, but it felt good to be back in that room with the memories.

The other room had felt too empty without James in it, but this one: this one had memories attached, and sentimentality, and while it wasn't the same as having another human in the room- more like a ghost that waited for them to enter the dormitory- it was as close as they could get. Both boys would rather deal with the memories of late nights and foolish fights with their best friends than abandon the past altogether, especially since forgetting what they had done was, of course, almost impossible.

And recently, the boys left behind by their friends had taken to skipping dinner pretty much every day. None of the teachers had noticed, of course- they were blind to anything they didn't want to see- but, somehow, the house elves had worked it out, and had started filling their bedside table with various leftovers from dinner. It wasn't like Remus or Sirius didn't want to eat, they just couldn't bear to make the journey to the Great Hall any more: a mix of a total lack of energy, and not wanting to remind themselves that James and Peter couldn't walk with them any longer.

They had found comfort in certain pleasurable _activities_ that they had _always_ participated in outside of James and Peter's presence. This was an odd change for the couple, considering Remus's original discomfort at the idea with sleeping with Sirius for fear of hurting him, but certainly neither of them had a _problem_ with this development.

Both boys wondered how they had every handled sleeping alone for so damn long, because neither felt he could go back to that now.

Sirius swung his leg over Remus's lap so that he was no longer resting on the exhausted boy, and could lean over to reach into their food cupboard. Pulling open the wooden door, Sirius took the rim of a plate in his fingers, precariously and somewhat painfully lifting it up as he strained to sit back up on the bed.

Remus's delicate fingers gracefully took the plate from him, allowing the older boy to straighten himself up, swing himself back onto Remus's lap, and see what the house elves had brought them: some kind of curry and rice. Remus swung his hand over to the cabinet to grab some of the cutlery the elves had brought, handing a fork to Sirius and keeping one for himself.

Sirius was straddling Remus at the knees, so the boys left the plate at the top of Remus's lap, sharing the large heap of food.

Eating in silence, the couple were almost asleep by the time they finished the mild curry, literally ready to doze off into unconsciousness at about half seven at night.

Having put the plate back on top of the cabinet, along with the cutlery, the boys shuffled underneath the duvet somewhat awkwardly, as per routine: not wanting to get off the bed to lift the duvet, they were forced into a sort of ritual based on simultaneously lifting their hips to slide the covers down the bed. They shuffled together, their knees, toes, hips and foreheads pressing together, and their arms snaking around each other's waists and necks. As one breathed out, the other breathed in, sharing oxygen at such close range:

Codependency.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banter i forgot to upload chapter 8 when i wrote it bc i put it on wattpad first at like midnight and forgot to do it here so double update ayyy  
> lex x


	10. In Which You're Taken On A Journey: You Could Say An Emotional Roadshow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- violence + injuries later on, there's a warning when it's about to happen

The solid pressure of Remus's head on Sirius's chest was oddly comforting to the older boy: it made Sirius feel like he was helping Remus in some, small way, even if it would soon be practically irrelevant, under the light of the full moon, at least. He was running his fingertips up and down the younger boy's spine as Remus was curled up on his lap, breathing gently so as not to disturb Remus's thoughts too much with the movement.

_**;^) smut coming up i'll let u know when it's done** _

Remus began to shuffle around, extending a leg slightly to straddle Sirius, the friction between their clothes creating a satisfying rustling sound as he leaned forward to gently brush his lips against Sirius's. Sirius smiled into the movement, dragging his fingers up from Remus's spine to the back of his neck, bringing his other hand up to tangle itself in Remus's hair.

Both boys began to move their lips together, Remus situating himself more solidly on Sirius's lap and resting his hands on Sirius's shoulders, squeezing them as Sirius bit at Remus's bottom lip: it was going to be the full moon next week, and perhaps this was exactly the distraction they both needed. All the potion that had been left over was now gone, and Remus wasn't exactly mentally prepared for the fresh levels of strain that would be brought about by this full moon.

He began to rock his hips against Sirius softly, lowering his head to bite and suck at Sirius's neck: Sirius's arms weakened at the sensation, dropping to clutch at Remus's back as he groaned.

"Fuck, Remus." He grabbed at the younger boy's waist, trailing his hands around to Sirius's front, fiddling with his flies and struggling to undo the button- without being able to see it, since Remus's head was blocking his view. The second Sirius succeeded, Remus lifted his hips, allowing Sirius to push his jeans and boxers down; Remus mirrored Sirius's actions on the boy himself, rolling off of him to allow him to wriggle out of his clothing.

Sirius began to straddle the boy who was now lying down with his shoulder propped up on the back of the bed, but Remus stopped him just as he was about to line Remus up.

"You gotta take the binder off, love. No matter how often you say it's fine, I'm not taking the risk."

Rolling his eyes, Sirius knelt up, peeling his shirt off, Remus doing the same underneath him. He tugged himself out of the binder, placing it on the bed next to them along with their discarded shirts, before gently grasping Remus's dick, eliciting a soft moan from the boy as his fingers stroked him before Sirius sunk down onto him.

Sirius gasped, rolling his hips and biting his lip at the sensation of fullness. He rocked back and forth, collapsing forwards onto Remus's chest as gently as he could, not wanting to cause any more aches and pains in the blond. Remus grasped Sirius's hips, rolling his pelvis up to meet Sirius's as he helped move his boyfriend up and down.

" _Shit_ \- I'm so close, love." Sirius grinned, leaning forwards to suck at Remus's left collarbone as he bounced, enjoying the breathy gasps and moans the boy was making at his touch. Sirius was grinding his hips downs against Remus as the younger boy came undone inside him, gasping and cursing under his breath.

Sirius continued to ride Remus until the boy had finished, before sliding off of him, allowing Remus to resume his earlier position with his head on Sirius's chest.

_**It's over** _

"You want me to finish you off, love?"

Sirius shook his head in response. "It's okay, babe. That was enough." He kissed his boyfriend's forehead before shuffling them both down the bed so that they were lying flat. Sirius ringed Remus with his arms, holding him close as they drifted to sleep.

~~~  
  
"Sirius, you've got to promise me you're not going to follow me tonight." Remus grasped Sirius's hands, holding his fingers tightly between his own, looking pleadingly into his eyes. "I know it's been pretty safe before, but I have no idea how much control I'm going to have tonight."

"I know you'd never hurt me, Moony."

"I know you know I'd never _want_ to hurt you, but I honestly don't know if I'll be able to control the urges without the potion." Remus dropped Sirius's hands, closing his eyes and sighing, biting his tongue. "You know I love you, so there's no way I'm letting you put yourself in danger. _Especially_ when the danger is _me_."

Sirius shook his head, embracing the younger boy as they stood in the centre of their dorm room. "There is _nothing_ you can say or do to stop me being with you when you need me, Reem, and you need me tonight. _You_ know _that_."

Pulling away, Remus tried to remove the bitter tone from his voice as he spoke. "I can't risk hurting you, love. Please just... let me have this one full moon alone. I promise by next month, we'll have found someone else to make the potion, or one of us will have managed to learn how to, but this month, I don't want to risk it."

Sirius looked at the ground, frowning. " _Okay_. Just, be safe, okay?" He took Remus's face in his hands, gently tugging the boy towards him to kiss his forehead, his nose, then his lips, each briefly and gently. "I love you."

Remus smiled weakly. "I love you, too."

And with that, Remus turned and left the dormitory, invisibility cloak in hand, heading towards the Shrieking Shack. Sirius stepped backwards, collapsing onto their bed and staring at the velvet cover over the top of the four posts. He fiddled with his fingers, deciding to wait twenty minutes or so before following Remus. He _would not_ leave Remus to deal with this himself.

Digging out a book from the bedside table, along with some crackers left by the house elves, he began to read, passing the minutes until he could leave.

~~~  
  
Sirius entered the Shack, galloping down the slope in his dog form, transforming back to his regular self as he reached the open part of the Shack, where it was tall enough to stand properly. He shook his head, ridding himself of the animalistic mindset and travelling towards the room that Remus usually remained hidden in throughout the full moon.

"Love?" Sirius called out softly, hoping that Remus either hadn't changed yet or had enough self-control not to rip his throat out. There was no reply, so he pressed forwards, through the door to the bedroom. "Are you-"

Sirius was cut off with a low growl. He peered around the door, seeing that Remus had, in fact, turned, and was crouching in the corner of the room, the other side of the door.

"Shit. Remus, love, it's me- it's okay, you're not going to hurt me, I know it. I love you." Sirius slowly entered the room, stepping with infinitesimal movements in an attempt not to provoke his boyfriend. He breathed quietly, his chest barely moving as he took shallow amounts of oxygen into his lungs, as he moved towards the bed. He reached the furniture, slowly lowering himself to sit on it, maintaining eye contact with the wolf the whole time.

The bed frame creaked as he let his weight rest on the old wood, causing Sirius to wince and the wolf's ears to prick up at the sound.

Remus began to stand on four legs from his crouching position, tentatively reaching a paw out to step towards Sirius, who steadfastly didn't break their eye contact and began muttering, "I love you," under his breath at Remus approached, his yellow, unblinking eyes trained solely on his own.

"I love you."

Remus reared up on his back legs slightly, his front paws lifting a little off the ground as he launched himself at the terrified boy who refused to show it, sitting on the bed.   
  


_**Violence warning + blood warning** _

Sirius's eyes went wide, his hand reaching for his wand in his pocked, grabbing it out and aiming it at Remus, a frown decorating his features as he watched Remus grow closer. "Shit." Sirius racked his memory for a spell that was relatively safe that would still protect him, plucking one from those he could recall. " _Alarte ascendare."_

The wolf flew up and backwards, twisting in mid-air as if in slow motion, Sirius's chest heaving as he realised what he had just done and then deflating entirely as he heard the sound of Remus colliding with the wall, the coat hooks on the wall pushing through his flesh from the force, and falling helplessly to the hard floor of the Shack. Sirius's hand smacked onto his mouth in an attempt to stop himself from making any noises that would attract the attention of anyone who was used to hearing the usual sounds of Remus howling in the Shack on full moons.

As Remus's body slid down the wall and into a heap on the floor, Sirius realised: he wasn't moving. Remus's figure was completely limp as he lay on the ground, provoking Sirius to jump over to him, rolling him over to see what was happening: there was a gaping wound in the wolf's exposed stomach.

"Holy _fuck_ Remus, I'm- _shit_ , okay, fuck, 'm gonna get Madam Pomfrey, I- shit, can you even understand me? Shit, he's not even awake. Fuck, okay." Sirius leaned forwards, kissing the spot between the wolf's ears before rushing out of the Shack and up to the castle.

"Madam Pomfrey!" He burst into her office in the hospital wing, startling the nurse awake. "You-" Sirius's chest racked with tears and in an effort to regain the oxygen that was falling from his lungs from the exercise. "You have to help, it's Remus- Lily used to make this potion, but we've run out now, and I went with him for the change like always, and he was going to attack me, I swear, so I defended myself, and- _shit_ , please, you have to help, he's bleeding, and I didn't know what to do!"

Pomfrey's eyes widened and she pushed past the panicking boy to run back to the Shack.

When they arrived back with Remus, it was in the early hours of the morning- Remus had left for the shack at around midnight, and it was now one in the morning. He had twisted around from the position that Sirius had left him in, still a wolf, his chest heaving. Pomfrey stumbled towards him, her footing unsure on the unstable surface, keeling down by the wolf.

"That does look nasty. We'll have to find the injury and-" Pomfrey rolled Remus over to see the injury. " _Oh._ " As soon as he had moved from his position, and she could see the puddle of blood where the wound had dripped, and the cut was in her view, she realised the gravity of the situation and began to push down on the injury.

"We're going to have to get him to St Mungo's, Black. Help me carry him, we'll take him on one of the thestral carriages out of grounds, and then disapparate."

Sirius nodded desperately, grabbing Remus's thighs and allowing Pomfrey to take his shoulders. Together, they succeeded in pulling him out of the Shack and to the thestrals.

The thestrals were even spookier when it was one in the morning, and your boyfriend was bleeding out next to you in the carriage. Once they had reached the edge of the grounds, Madam Pomfrey reached a hand out to Sirius, keeping the other pressed on Remus's wound, and disapparated, taking the trio straight to St Mungo's.

The second they appeared in the building, several witches and wizards were rushing towards them, seeing the blood on Sirius's and Madam Pomfrey's clothes and realising that Remus was a werewolf, given the full moon, rather than a stray dog.

"Who is this? How did it happen?"

Sirius's mind went blank as Pomfrey answered the questions hurled at them, everything turning into a blue as he followed Pomfrey upstairs, trailing after the doctors who were taking Remus upstairs.

They placed Remus down in a small room, locking the door and indicating for Pomfrey and Sirius to sit in the chairs directly outside of the door. They did so, Pomfrey taking the moment to catch Sirius up on what he had missed while panicking.

"They can't operate on him while he's a wolf- the stitches would come out when he changed. Once he's changed, they'll suture him if they- well, if they deem he hasn't lost too much blood to survive. But I'm sure it'll be fine, dear. These are some of the best doctors in the wizarding world, you know?"

Sirius nodded blithely, not really paying enough attention to have taken notice of anything she said- _except_ for the fact that his boyfriend, the only person left who he cared about, could be dead in a few hours.

And there was nothing he could do, except wait.

By the time morning rolled around, and the Sun came up, and Remus began to change, Sirius had been drifting in and out of consciousness for several hours, unable to sleep _or_ stay awake: both states were haunted, and it was really a game of what was worse- the reality that Remus was teetering between life and death, or the false reality that he had already died.

As Pomfrey and Sirius began too hear the sounds of Remus changing, and then groaning as he noticed his wound, and then fucking shrieking as the pain hit him like a bullet, the doctors from before rushed around the corner and burst into the room. When they opened the door, Sirius shot up, running past them to get to his boyfriend. Taking his face between his hands once more, Sirius kissed Remus's forehead, muttering about how much he loved him, and that everything would be all right, he just had to hold on.

The doctors quickly pushed him aside, taking in how much blood he had lost. Remus seemed pretty much delirious, confirming their suspicions: he had lost too much blood already.

Without a word, the doctors retrieved a stretched from a cupboard in the corner of the room, pushing the sobbing boy onto it and carrying him silently through the corridors and into a (thankfully private) room.

"Sirius, Poppy: we'll leave you to say goodbye."

The doctors filed out of the room, leaving Pomfrey with a wide-eyed, silently disbelieving Sirius Black. She patted him awkwardly between the shoulder blades before stepping backwards away from him. "I know he means a lot to you, Black. 'll leave you to it."

And with that, she left Sirius alone with a bleeding Remus and a hospital bed.

He pulled up a chair, the sound of the legs scraping against the floor not bothering Sirius as much as usual. Given the circumstances.

"Remus. _Shit_ , Remus, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have followed you into the shack, I'm so, so sorry- I don't know why I didn't listen, I knew you were the clever one out of us two. I'm so fucking sorry, because you're gonna _die_ because of me, and that's not fair."

Sirius clutched one of Remus's hands in both of his own, bringing it to his lips and kissing his knuckles. "I love you so much, Moony. So _fucking_ much that it hurts, and I-" Sirius choked, the tears in his eyes finally getting the better of him, and spilling down his cheeks. "I don't know how I'm going to do this without you, love, I really don't."

And so there they were: Sirius grasping Remus's hand for dear life, telling Remus how much he loved him and that he was sorry, and Remus lying, listening, unable to muster a reply from between his weak lips. And there they stayed until Remus's heartbeat slowed to a halt, Sirius feeling like his was about to do the same at any moment:

Codependency.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, it's not the end.
> 
> There's an epilogue left, folks :) 
> 
> Hope you've all survived the blurryface drama lmao
> 
> Lex x


	11. Roses

Madam Pomfrey had told Sirius that they would be leaving the hospital at ten o'clock _sharp_ that morning, so when she went to the loo at half past nine, Sirius pressed a kiss to the translucent skin on Remus's forehead, and _ran_.

He ran down the stairs, through the hospital lobby, and out into the streets of London, darting through alleys and only stopping to catch his breath when he no longer recognised his surroundings. Sirius leaned on a low brick wall, bending over with his face in his hands and his elbows digging into the top of his thighs.

The running and the loss of breath and pains in his chest from his binder had been an effective distraction from his thoughts: from the image of Remus John Lupin lying, equally breathlessly, on the stony-cold hospital bed covered by plastic sheets as the blood drained from his cheeks. From the fact that, in a matter of months, Sirius Black had become absolutely alone, completely friendless, and now, utterly lost- in every sense of the word.

Running his hands through his hair, Sirius straightened his back, standing up properly once more to see the cars rushing past in front of him, the people in suits hurrying along the road, the low clouds billowing over the light grey sky. Without entirely knowing where he was going, or even that he _was_ going, Sirius began to wander, through the familiar streets of London, avoiding the area that Grimmauld Place resided with all his might.

Sirius wasn't entirely sure how well he would function any more- or even if he would function at all, if he was being honest with himself. Remus had been the glue holding his pieces together: like the one puzzle piece that makes the whole jigsaw make sense as soon as you slot it in, and you have no idea how you knew what the picture was before that one piece was in place.

Now, Sirius was stuck with the image of the jigsaw in his head, the pieces crumbling and disappearing as his life turned upside down, and there was no longer anyone to catch the pieces and put them back for him.

Shuffling down the roads, Sirius trailed his soft fingertips along the railings next to him, feeling the cool metal against his skin, the rust abrasive on his flesh. He allowed the sounds of the city to sink into his skull, absorbing it all but not taking in anything whatsoever.

His meandering legs eventually brought him back: back to St Mungo's, where Madam Pomfrey was sitting in the lobby, her left knee bobbing up and down as she leaned forwards on her seat with her arms crossed. Her eyes were squeezed shut; her forehead, creased.

Sirius shambled towards the nurse, his eyes cast towards the floor as he approached her. Madam Pomfrey opened her eyes at the sound of his heavy, nearing footsteps.

" _Shit_ \- oh, thank Merlin, you're here, Sirius." Pomfrey stumbled to her feet, rushing towards the dishevelled boy, biting his lip and refusing to look up at her. "Come on, boy, we have to get back. Remus's parents are here to sort out all of _that_ , Dumbledore is waiting for us back at the castle."

Sirius's head shot up, his eyes wide: "Remus's parents?" Pomfrey nodded. "Shit- uh, sorry- I have to see them, I- I'll be right back, I promise, I just-"

The school nurse gently placed her hand on Sirius's shoulder, interrupting him. "Be back in ten minutes, Black." She retreated, sitting back down on the same chair, resuming her former position. Sirius winced at the gloomy sight, but walking backwards and turning to run back up the stairs and through the halls to find Mr and Mrs Lupin.

He burst into the room that Remus had been lying in before; Remus's parents were sitting on two bright green, plastic chairs, hunched over the bed where Remus's corpse had been when Sirius left. Neither looked up at Sirius when the door slammed shut behind him: they had nothing left to say to the witches and wizards who had failed to save his life.

"I, um." Sirius wasn't quite sure what you were meant to say to your boyfriend's mourning parents: 'sorry for your loss' didn't seem to be appropriate, or to cover the situation, considering Sirius was also going to suffer from this. Nevertheless, it seemed to be the only words that Sirius could think to form with his failing tongue. "I'm sorry for your loss."

Lyall Lupin looked up, recognising Sirius's voice: normally confident and cocky, but now diminished and awkward. He grimaced in an attempt to comfort the boy, attempting to smile but failing sorely. "They told us what happened, and I-" he glanced over at Hope as if unsure what to say. " _We_ want you to know that we don't blame you. Anything you did, you, uh- you did it in self-defence, and it wasn't your fault."

Sirius looked down at his shoes, disappointed and quite honestly _ashamed_ of himself: he should have paid attention when Remus told him not to follow him into the Shack, he should have had the _sense_ to remember that Remus is- _was_ , always right.

Hope raised her head, looking a little to the left of Sirius: she wasn't quite sure that she agreed with Lyall's words, but she absolutely knew that she could not abandon Sirius to his own parents. "You're welcome to stay with us in the holidays, if you still need to. Or want to."

Her voice was timid, as if she was unsure whether this was the right thing to do, or whether she even _wanted_ Sirius with them any more.

"I... Are you sure?" Lyall and Hope glanced over at each other before nodding in confirmation. "Thank you."

Hope and Lyall looked back down at the bed and Sirius joined them, gazing at the unmade, plastic-y bed sheets, until they were interrupted by the sudden knocking on the window to their room, the sound echoing through Sirius's head. He whipped around, seeing that Madam Pomfrey was waiting on the other side. He nodded at her before turning back towards Remus's parents.

"Thank you so much. I really am _so_ sorry about all of this." They smiled in return, the expression not quite reaching their eyes.

Sirius grimaced a weak, half-smile back, before turning to leave, exiting the hospital with Pomfrey's cold hand on his shoulder as they walked in silence.

~~~  
  
As they walked into the school grounds, not a word having been spoked, Sirius felt his emotions finally catching up with the events of the day. His eyes began to sting, his throat tightening and squeezing as he finally began to cry; hot, slow tears crawling down his cheeks and jaw. It felt almost like there was a shadow of Remus in the edge of the forest; lurking around the castle; starting to brush his shoulder but dissolving as soon as Sirius flinched around to catch a glimpse of him. Even after he had turned back around, looking straight back ahead at the castle, Sirius could still almost sense Remus's presence behind him: he _knew_ it was fucking ridiculous, he fucking _knew_ that Remus was gone and that he wouldn't have chosen to stay as a ghost, and even if he were a ghost, he probably wouldn't have ended up at fucking Hogwarts.

Still, there was something inside of Sirius, something tugging at him to look behind him whenever he thought he heard shifting footsteps or felt a concealed hand brushing against his skin.

"Black?" Madam Pomfrey interrupted Sirius's thoughts, snapping back to the reality: a place without Remus following him and the school nurse, without the delusions he could almost convince himself were real. "I'll explain all this to the Headmaster for you, Black. You can have some time off lessons, Professor McGonagall will inform you as to how many days."

Sirius slowed his pace, running his palms up his neck, putting on enough pressure that the sweat on his palms created friction with his skin, pushing them up, over his cheeks and into the hollows of his eyes, letting his hands fit flawlessly over his brow bones, the hard pads at the bottom of his palm nudging into his eye sockets, gently, in a mix of frustration, sadness, and anger.

He left them resting there for a moment before sweeping them up, brushing them up over his forehead, pushing the hair that had fallen forward back, tangling his fingers in the soft curls. He squeezed for a moment, allowing the stinging to take over his senses for just a second before letting his hands fall, his hair collapsing back in front of his face as his head tilted forwards slightly.

"I... Uh, sure." Sirius shut his eyes, squeezing them tightly for a second before shaking his head, looking back up at Madam Pomfrey and forcing a hard tone into his voice. "Thank you."

Pomfrey smiled sympathetically at the boy, awkwardly patting him on the back, between the shoulder blades, before walking away towards the hospital wing as soon as they entered the castle, leaving Sirius to approach the stairs alone.

As he manoeuvred his way up towards their dorm room- _his_ dorm room, he ran his hand along the cold, stone banister, pushing down hard, the friction causing a burning sensation to spring across his frail, soft skin. A few seconds of this stinging passed, and Sirius shot his hand away from the surface, bringing his palm up in front of his face to see the redness blooming across the pale flesh: a rose left in the snow to wither and die, and he watched as it did so, looked on as the redness faded and turned back to soft pink.

Watched as the rose withered, twisted, wilted, and eventually died, degraded: recycled back into the Earth, its particles mingling with those of the harsh ground, its thorns softening and deforming, becoming as gentle and harmless as the petals that fell away from the flower long ago, leaving a bald surface with no hope left to show.

Sirius's thighs ached as he climbed the stairs: he had had little to no rest over the last twelve hours, and what rest he did have was filled with anxiety and fear for Remus's life: fear that, at the time, he had assured himself was absolutely and utterly pointless, because _of course_ nothing would go wrong, because _no one_ has lost all their friends to the cold embrace of death by 17.

Of course, fear is always there for a reason, and somewhere at the back of his mind, Sirius thought he had always known that: there had to be some sort of _intuition_ that told you when something shattering and irrevocable was about to happen, there _had_ to be. Honestly, Sirius just fucking wished that he had realised this before; that he had realised to pay attention to his feelings and his thoughts and that he wasn't just in a panic about nothing: his boyfriend had been fucking _dying_ , and Sirius had been sitting outside the room, blocking out his thoughts and feelings and emotions and bouncing his _fucking knee_ so fast it was practically _vibrating_

Sirius shuffled silently through the Gryffindor common room, the sound around him quietening to a halt as he past groups of friends, chattering away about something meaningless to pass the time, to make the wait for news seem less long and harsh; the talk behind Sirius transforming into words of fear and worry about the safety and state of Remus John Lupin.

Professor McGonagall had been right when she'd given her yearly talk at the start of first year: Remus's house _had indeed_ become his family, and this crowded room of terrified, nervous, and, more than anything, fucking _sad_ Gryffindors seemed a fine way of proving that fact.

And yet, even the first years had the common courtesy and _sense_ not to bother Sirius as he padded his way across the carpeted floor, his feet making soft sounds as he trod. A gap formed around Sirius, filling in as soon as the next had opened, allowing Sirius to stare at the floor, shambling towards the stairs to reach his dormitory.

More stairs: honestly, how many stairs did one building need? His legs fucking _burned_ now, his whole body was crying out for sleep, his muscles starting to tense up no matter how hard he tried to relax, and his motherfucking _ribs_ felt as if they were about to buckle under the tightness of his binder, still there from yesterday morning since Remus hadn't been able to remind him to take breaks, and so, Sirius Black pushed open the door to his room: no, fucking _no_ , no matter whether or not they were still here, this room was _theirs_.

Sirius Black pushed open the door to _their_ room, the room that he would always share with his best friends: the greatest people you could ever wish to meet, the kindest, warmest people that Sirius had ever hoped to have in his life- at least once he got to know them.

He cautiously stepped across the wooden floorboards, moving towards Remus's trunk. He gripped the edge, pushing it open and tugging out the first sweater he came across: a fairly thick, woollen thing with grey and black stripes. He threw it on Remus's bed, pulling off his own jumper, shirt and binder, taking a moment to breathe deeply before tugging Remus's sweater over his head, inhaling the scent of his boyfriend before lying on his bed.

And there Sirius stayed: on top of the duvet, fully clothed, totally awake. He kept his eyes open, unable to hold them shut, waiting for his exhaustion to force them closed. Eventually, his fatigued brain gave in, stitching his eyelids together, his thoughts leaving him, finally, to sleep uninterrupted.

~~~  
  


The next day, Sirius awoke disturbingly early: around five in the morning, which, to be fair, was quite the accomplishment, considering he had gone to sleep at least fourteen hours earlier. The second he registered his surroundings: the smell of his boyfriend, the soft covers somehow digging into his spine, the stagnant air of their boys' room, Sirius swung his legs out of his bed- Remus's bed.

His feet were still encased by canvas shoes- shoes which Remus had given him for his birthday, two years previous- and so Sirius sauntered out of the dorm, down the millions of fucking staircases, and out of the castle, beginning to wander through the grounds once more.

It was really fucking cold: it was five am, of course it was cold, but Sirius hadn't been prepared for the thin sheen of frost that covered the grass, seeping in through his thin shoes and grasping at his feet, uncovered by socks, the cold tendrils making the boy wince. Despite this, Sirius continued refusing to walk on the regularly trodden patches of grass, where the blades had been trampled into the ground so much that they no longer popped up, forcing himself to continue treading on the vicious areas of long grass that whipped around his ankles.

Sirius wasn't entirely sure where he was going: he was following a trail of small, blue flowers- probably forget-me-nots- ironic, considering everything that had happened to Sirius recently.

The little frail flowers lead him to the Black Lake, his thoughts much faster than his feet as his mind rove over the possibilities of a future without Remus Lupin: he began to stumble over the slippery surface faster, almost chasing his thoughts as if to pause them, to give him a minute, a _moment_ of peace without all these fucking thoughts buzzing around his skull, colliding with the bone structure.

Sirius paused: crouching to pluck a forget-me-not from its place in the earth, placing his first finger and thumb either side of the stem and pressing his fingernails together, slitting the thin stalk. Remaining in his low position, he stared at the petals, the stem, and began to rip sections of the stem off, starting with small chunks and moving up the stalk until he reached the head of the flower.

Forcing himself back off the ground, his legs aching at the sudden pressure, Sirius flicked the tiny flower head back to the floor. He stepped on it when he continued to shuffle towards the lake, not realising as he crushed the fragile petals under his feet.

Sirius reached his destination after a few minutes: the small forest by the edge of the lake. He hadn't walked this far from the castle in a while: he and Remus used this as a sort of secret place before they came out to their friends, but once James and Peter knew about them, they could spend their time in their room instead, which was a much more comfortable and therefore favourable option.

Sirius lowered himself onto the large boulder amongst the trees which he and Remus used to lean against, talking and kissing and resting their heads against each other's shoulders in an hour of peace from the noises and disturbances of the castle. The jagged top surface of the rock dug into the flesh of his thighs through his jeans, something he had never felt when leaving against the side: the vertical surfaces of the rock were much less sharp and uncomfortable, and Sirius considered sliding down to sit in the same place he always had before.

His eyes had been focused on the gently moving lake: it wasn't particularly windy, but there was a definite breeze flowing around Sirius's hair, causing the water to shuffle awkwardly.

Sirius's gaze moved back to the edge of the ground, drifting around the soft moss and leaves covering the floor. He caught sight of a small patch of red flowers, and stood to approach them, having decided against slipping down the rock to sit on the floor, imagining that Remus was indeed still there with him, pressing his weight into his side and brushing his chilly lips against Sirius's smooth cheek.

As he got closer to the bush of plants, he realised they were less red, and more a deep pink: _wild roses_.

The boy admired them as he approached. They were _beautiful_ \- absolutely stunning, even, and Sirius felt compelled to run his fingers along the petals, cupping one of the flower heads in his hands. The magenta flower contrasted his pale skin as he snapped the stem of the flower, pulling it from the others and admiring it, twisting the flower between his fingers and regarding its beauty from every angle.

Sirius dropped to the floor once more, sitting cross-legged on the thin layer of frost. He could feel the damp cold seeping through the denim of his trousers, and yet he remained there: staring at the beauteous flower with his head tilted.

He gripped a petal between his fingers, ripping it from its delicate position: he pressed it between his first and middle fingers before letting it slide out, fluttering to the floor. Sirius repeated this action a few more times, before simply dropping the rose to the floor, watching as it fell. The white layer of frost brought out the colours even more, showing the elegance of the flower more clearly than before.

Sirius stood. He brushed the back of his legs as he turned to leave, swooping away any traces of solid frost on his jeans, and shuffling away from the rose: left to decay in the frost, the petals slowly falling and the thorns melting away while Sirius walked back to the castle, rubbing his arms through the sleeves of Remus's jumper that he supposed would now be his.

He inhaled deeply through his nose, the cold burning the fragile skin as he did so: the oxygen filled his lungs before he expelled it once more, and, through the morning fogginess, Sirius could almost see himself and Remus dancing amongst the trees: Remus twirling Sirius under his arm, pulling him in to an embrace that pushed the whole of their bodies together, intertwining their fingers in each other's hair and they stilled, disintegrating back into the slight mist.

And the wild rose: slowly decaying in the cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it, folks.  
> It's been a wild ride, and I've fucking loved it, ngl  
> ~Lex  
> xo


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